/silent whispers..

2007-12-06T08:37:00.000+08:00

Ahh, I feel so messed up! I need back up foooood. :/

One, it's eight fourty-two in the morning, I'm bushed but I still CANT FALL ASLEEP.
Two, I finally understand how eyelids can be "heavy". It hurts so much, I don't even want to open my eyes. I bet you're asking, "Then why don't you just close your eyes?" Eh try closing your eyes for _____________________ and see whether you would still continue.
Three, I'm meeting the friday people later and I'm in this state. Three (a), if I really end up sleeping, will I even end up meeting them? Three (b), If I didn't sleep totally, I'm gonna be really horrible later. Three (c), it's gonna be worst than usual. And "usual" 's already worst than usual.

Maybe you're just my Indian Summer.

2007-12-03T00:31:00.000+08:00

Yoep. This whole "insomnia" thing is killing me. I feel so terrible =( And I had a weird dream again. Some weird thing about seven fingers. Okay, the seven fingers thing wasn't the main part of the dream, but somehow, I remember it the most.

Tried to clear my room for the past few days. It's like never ending =( I've been reading A LOT of newspaper but there's still a lot left. It's like five dollars worth? (When it was sold to the r&b man) I threw quite a fair bit of things that I would have usually kept if I wasn't in this state [of mind]. But then again, I can't help feeling they're such stupid things. And it reminds me of stuff I shouldn't be remembering. I came across the ______ composition I wrote for eoys last year. And again, I feel like tearing it up. I can't believe I actually lived like that for almost three years. Like some pathetic loser. No wonder I was called one some time back.

Muash. I'm quite scared of the appointment now. Maybe it's because all those pain is coming back. And their quite frequent. And at night, it gets worst. Aiish, I don't know =/

Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Or maybe it's because it have been pretty stressful lately. Aiyaaaaa, don't wanna think about it already.

2007-11-29T15:50:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter if you you like to hear it or not. It's a fact. So what if you don't like hearing it? Not like it'll change anything. Ask yourself why do you not like to hear it instead.

You know, I'm sick of having to go through this every single day. I want to scream and shout and just sit and cry. "All these is for your own good". My foot. For my own good, for my own good. For what? What the hell is "my good"? To be able to live well? What is living well? We all have different defination. So stop forcing yours on me.

It's never for me. It has always been for yourself. For your own "face". But look around you, kids are not like that these days.

And you know what? I'm not some pathetic loser who will always be there when you turn behind. I'm not someone who you only turn to when you have no one by your side, someone you can use. Everytime when you tell me lies, I listen and believe in them. Not because I don't know, but because I believed in you.

I hope this has nothing to do with you.

I want to leave this place. At all cost.

2007-11-24T21:37:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling kind of weird now that I'm back in Singapore. Some post-Japan thingy, hahaha. And I've only been away for five days (less than that actually). Hahaha you know, yesterday, in the plane, I was writing my journal (considering I didn't even write at all other than the first day). And it turn out really lonnnng and my ink was almost depleted! I think I spent 2 hours writing it? Hmm. Oh yeah, and I couldn't fall asleep. Maybe it's because there's no one I know nearby? So I ended up watching shows.

I feel like I'm writing rubbish. Hearing the NBC ost. Hahaha, I know la, I can't multi-task, so lao-seh.

Oh yeah. Nicole told me that I needed to learn this dance for graduation. So I think I'm gonna die. And I can't go to Nicole's house to learn or something because I'm supposed to do the guy part? I'm gonna dieeeeeeeee. Oh my God. I'm going to die for graduation night. There's so much more to do. =/

I like the song "Kidnap the Sandy Claws". Hahaha the tune's so cute!

2007-11-18T19:27:00.000+08:00

It's happening again. It's happening again. It's happening again. Why? I feel so horrible and everything is not working out. Not. At. All. I'm hearing it again. I'm seeing it again. I want to believe it's not what I think it is. That it's just me. But I just can't. And I keep pulling others down with me. It's just, just really really upsetting that I keep pulling people who even bother about me, down with me.

It feels as if it's part of something bigger. I'm scared for Japan. It's finally here. It's making me feel sick. Like how I was months ago.

Sam must stop relying on others.

2007-11-16T23:29:00.000+08:00

I fell today. So embarrassingly funny. You know how sometimes you have to act like nothing happened so it wouldn't be so embarrasing. Like.. THERE WERE PRIMARY KIDS BESIDE US and I fell. They didn't see me falling but they saw me on the floor. Laughing. And then the conversation between Nicole and I was like this:

Nicole: OMG! SAM!
Me: -laughing- Are they marks?
Nicole: Uhh..yaaa
Me Am I bleeding?
Nicole: Uhhhhhh.. not really. You don't dare to see?

But sometimes it doesn't hurt that much when you don't look at it upfront. Wow, I don't look like I'm talking about the wound anymore.

I'm gonna get a big fat bruise =(

2007-11-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

I'm having muscle aches from yesterday =( It hurts more than morning jog. But I think it's more fun than running. Hahaha! I think people who like shopping sure have very nice legs. Luo po tui. Anywayyyy, yay, yesterday was a good shopping day cause I ended up buying stuff. Hahaha I remember there was this part where we found this glove super cute. And we were saying we should buy them together and use in Japan. But when we realise it's the last piece, at first both of us were like "argueing" over it but in the end, none of us bought it.

The time spent in school today seem exceptionally long. Especially the prize presentation rehearsal part. Maybe it's because I have no one to talk to but yeah. And it was like weirder when my whole row just dissapeared? I hope it wouldn't seem too long tomorrow. Oh yes oh yes, today's the first time I acutally ate instant noodles because I needed it to be instant. As in, all these while, I would only eat instant noodles only when one, I'm too lazy to cook or two, I feel like eating tomyam. Hahahaha! And after that, I went to nicole's house. We spent the whole trip talking about rp so on the way back home, instead of talking about rp like how it's always the on-the-way-home topic, we ended up talking about holidays.

I never knew nicole had that much clothes.

Actually, I was quite upset this morning because of something. More pissed than upset actually. But.. aiyaaa, not like I can change anything right!

2007-11-15T00:04:00.000+08:00

我们的故事還沒有完結篇
難過的難忘的就把他當作是上一個章節吧 ...

Sometimes (uh, sort of every time), after reading a good book (at least I think it is) I'll be affected by it in some way or another for a period of time. It can take days, weeks or even years. But.. I can't stop reading just because I don't have the courage to pick up another book. Even if it would take a long time for me to "recover", I would eventually, right?

...下一個章節正在等著你繼續寫下去.

-

I think it would be a torture to be able to read people's mind. Sometimes, it's because of the things that we don't know that we treat the people or matters around us better than what they "deserve". Sometimes it's because we are able to brush our thoughts as "thinking too much".

2007-11-10T21:48:00.000+08:00

Read some newspapers from the never ending stack of newspapers in my room. It's like three, four years worth?! Though I only managed to read like 15cm off the stack, it's still good. I think a little a day would do good in the long run. Which reminds of all the times I say to myself, "If I did a little of ( ) everyday, I wouldn't be in this state right now," when I'm doing those last minute tasks. So yeah. What's more, I figured out I wouldn't even step into my room if my brother's are not around. Hahaha this way, if some weird thing just pops up, I'll have a 20 percent chance of it getting killed. Which reminds me, I have not slept in my room for uh..one year plus? Been room hopping and sleeping on the floors for as long as I can remember man.

I wonder what's wrong with me lately. I've been really hot-tempered lately. And getting really, really agitated and irritated over nothing. And I guess it's really annoying the people I come in contact to. (Uh, actually, basically the people who actually came in contact with me when I'm in those mood, aren't really contacting me anymore. And uh it's quite bad.) But I don't want to call them or say anything to them now because I'm still in that state and I guess I'll just make things worst if I do. Maybe it's because of the lack of sleep. But I can't help it. I just can't sleep. It's like, if I sleep at ten, I'll just roll in bed for hours. But if I sleep at like in the morning (eg. 5am), and if I managed to sleep, that is, I'll need to sleep the rest of the day. And that 12 hours of sleep isn't working anymore. I need more than that if I even manage to sleep.

What am I bothered by? I think it's quite obvious that I'm bothered by something. Because one, I'm really short tempered these days. Two, I can't sleep for nuts. Three, I'm getting really weird dreams. Four, all my "gastric" pains or coming back again. I don't know whether it's really gastric pain or whether it's really heart burns. But I'm like getting it almost everyday. Especially those heart burns. I'm like getting them at unearthly hours. Okay, come to think of it, no time is unearthly for me now.

One only sees what one wants to see.

2007-11-06T23:35:00.000+08:00

It bothers me. I acted like I didn't care much about this whole thing because I was afraid. I was afraid that the moment I thought about all of these, everything would just come back and I'll fall apart again. One more paper, and I'm over and done with it. I've managed till now. It was so much easier to live like it doesn't matter. Not like..this. I hate it that I feel like this. Not when I deserve all of these.

This was written on the 23rd of September. One day after the art incident.

It hurts so badly, it's killing me. It wasn't suupose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. I wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. I can't do it. I really can't. I wasn't suppose to end up like this.

I'm afraid. I don't know exactly why. All that comes to my mind is everything that has happened recently. About yesterday. About what Miss Praveena said to me. About what Miss Rose said to me. About how I saw Mrs Goh rushing to see me even though she was busy. About what Nicole and the other art girls talking me out. About everything that has happened in the past nine months. The time when I fell ill during English prelim. The time when Miss Pravenna asked me about my art and offered to accompany me to places to take pictures for my art. The time when she came to my class to pass me a mindmap she did for my art. The times when Mrs Tan would ask me about my social studies and about some other things. The time when Miss Quek came to my class just to ask me whether I applied for the award. The times when she would call me just to ask how was things. The time when Mrs Goh spent her free time and gave me the tissue she so happen brought along that day. The time when Miss Quek spent hours late at night to teach me math. The times when JiaWei would run around the school to find me, afriad of me doing something I'll regret, and talk till she herself cried. So many, many more. I think of all those times, the care they had for me, the words that were said to me.. and I really hate all that is happening now. I hate it how I have dissappointed them. I don't like how everything is becoming now. I don't even know what to say anymore.

I remember, we had to visualise ourselves, of what we all will be like ten, twenty years from now. Most of us could. Some of us could see ourselves in a job that we have always wanted. Some, see themselves doing some day-to-day action. But me, I couldn't.

I realised, I can't even imagine myself being alive.

2007-11-06T23:12:00.001+08:00

I acted like I didn't care about this whole olevel thing. I keep quiet or pretend not to see what the teachers say or do out of concern for me. I didn't want to discuss about how the papers were. I acted like everything's okay but I know it's not. Everytime I say, "what's the point brooding over it when the papers over" was an attempt to convince myself. Because I know that the moment I stop and think of it, I'll just fall apart again. But I don't want to. I really don't want to. I deserve all this. I didn't want to think of it because I don't even have the right to be upset. It's not like they didn't give me a chance. They gave me. Just that I didn't cherish it. It's not so much that I wasted my time and everything. It's just.. I feel so horrible whenever I think of the times I made people worried. And even worst when I see people crying for me. You know, it hurts like crap, really, to see them tearing for me.

2007-10-28T02:23:00.000+08:00

Many things have been on my mind lately. Especially tonight. Maybe it's because of what happened earlier today. Maybe it's because of passing by a place that reminded me of someone. Maybe it's because of everything that is happening. Maybe it's the forgotten memories. Maybe it isn't because of any of these reasons. Or maybe it's because of every one of them. I don't know. This is probably one of the worst times to be thinking of such things. But, I have been seeking many answers lately.. and my answers to them.. I mean, and I don't even have an answer to them.

Many people are counting down the days to things they look forward to. To some. it is the end of olevels. To others, it is the trip to Japan. Of course, I'm looking forward to the end of exams. But at the same time, I hope that day never comes. It's not so much about how I don't want all these to end, you know? It's.. something else. Maybe it's because I dont see the point.

If this is hell, that's just another hell to me.

When I'm feeling weird, I do stupid things. I made this quiz. It's filled with stupid questions.

Link

2007-10-24T21:51:00.000+08:00

Elective Geopgraphy paper tomorrow. Quite nervous for it actually. I'm afraid that I'll have nothing to write about. Mhm.. if I have to use a phrase to describe my current state, it would really be "guo yi tian, suan yi tian". Haha, really. It's like now that add maths is over, I spend all of my time on geography. And then after the geography paper, I have to spent all my time on art. And so on and so forth. But the good thing is, after next week, I can "slow down" a little. Cause I'll have four days to revise ss and biology. And eight days to revise biology (mcq). Mhm..Eight days..MCQ..Eight days.. it'll be nice if paper 2 of biology comes first, horh?

I've been having troubles sleeping lately. =( To be exactly, ever since Sunday. And it's tiring me out a whole lot. Maybe it's because of olevels. But..I don't really feel it. I know this is IT and if I don't fare well, it's over. But, I don't know. I don't know whether it's a good thing or not. But, at least it's better than me freaking out. Anddddddd, I guess since I made the decision to procrastinate, now that it's getting harder, I shouldn't _ _ _ because I was the one who made the decision right from the beginning huh. Hahaha I'm just going to hope and pray that I don't _ _ _ when the results are released man (except for joy). It'll be super embarrasing cause it's stupid to say all those "what if"s. (Even writing this here has a purpose. The more I can't.)

Yepppp, geography paper tomorrow, so I must jia you! Ping wo de lao ming dou you ji ge! Must at least pass one elective geography paper in my secondary life man. Yes, I can do it! Aja Aja FIGHTTTTING!

2007-10-23T19:46:00.001+08:00

Add Maths wasn't that bad. Hahaha but I think to many, many would think it's super bad if they were in my shoes. But.. I'm happy with it. For the first time for as long as I can remember, I actually reached the last question for mathematics! And for both of the paper somemore! I don't think I would do very well or well for that matter, but I think I can pass! It'll be the first time ever ever, I actually passed Add Maths! Eh not counting those one topic test. I mean, those big big test like EOYs. Eh you know, for the first time ever, like really really, I managed to do the proving of identities question and the trigonometric question where you must find the basic angle one! Okay, I'm stupid la. But..yayyyyyy! If I pass my this, I'll be able to drop my L1R5 by 4! And then I'll be one step closer to having my L1R5 look a little more pretty. Okay, a little more decent. A little more hope into entering a school.

It feels kind of funny to be free of Add Maths. Maybe it's because we just knew each other and it's now time to part. It feels weird to be sitting among my Add Maths stuff.

6 more subjects to go. 6 more days. 11 more papers left.

Soon, everything I know of, will end.

2007-10-21T22:43:00.000+08:00

One hour 17 minutes more to start of Day 1.

試験、頑張ってください!

2007-10-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! There's a movie called "L change the world"?! This is so not the right time to be talking about this but.. L change the world?! But I can't find much information about it since almost all of them is in Japanese. Some say it's L's life before DeathNote. Others say it's what happened in L's last 23 days. I hope it's about his life before DeathNote though. Maybe M (Mello) and N (Near) would appear too! Though the movie DeathNote wasn't as nice as I thought it would be, but it's still quite nice la. So I can't wait for thisssssssssssssss! It premieres in Japan on the 9th of Feb 2008. I wonder when it'll be screened here.

Haha this so reminds me of how excited I was when I heard a movie was made on DeathNote! Ahhh, another thing to look forward to =D

2007-10-15T15:28:00.000+08:00

I've been having really queer dreams lately. Especially the day before yesterday's. It was the first time I actually got a third person dream and.. I don't really dream about such stuff. I dreamt about this girl who changed (x) and murdered this other guy. And it's so strange cause just before he got murdered, he carved the date on this railing and that railing.. I don't know why but that railing seems so oddly familiar. I don't think I saw that railing before (I hope not) but it's just.. this feeling.

Yesterday (today?), I dreamt that I was doing something with someone when my fingers started to bleed. Hahaha I wanted to say fingernails but theorically, fingernails can't bleed cause they isn't any blood there to begin with. Ahhhhhh, I don't know how to say but the dreams I have recently is giving me this weird feeling. Not that kind of something-bad-is-gonna-happen kind of feeling. Is something else.

Mehmehmehmeh meh meh mehmehmeh mehhhhmehhhhhh meh mehmehmehmeh mehmeh mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mehhh moomoomehhhh mehh moo mehhhhhhhh! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hmph. Maybe that's why I don't like to communicate with people who doesn't understand my silence. No, or rather, I don't know how to communicate with people who are uncomfortable with silence.

2007-10-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

I was walking down the staircase when the sentence, "I love her fearfully", appeared in my mind. I remember hearing/seeing it from somewhere but I'm not sure. It reminded me of what I saw yesterday in the book though. Mhm, I was flipping through it to make sure of something. And, I read upon this part where I wrote how this particular person was different and how that person is/was special. It felt really weird though, for me to describe someone as special. Which made me think whether I felt that person is/was different from the people I have met so far or I actually meant that that person is different from the rest of them. In whichever way, this shouldn't be on my mind now.

Today I was upset at something for a little while. Say, 15 minutes? I guess, sometimes I don't really care about the results, and all I ever wanted is to have fun together while in the process of doing. But.. what I saw was something different. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, why am I thinking about this!

Fast forward to nicey parts. Ummmmmmmmmm...hmmmmmmmm...mhmmmmmmmm..ah! I got the award for getting Gold consectively for four years! (I wonder how I got that though) And.. not very nice, but important, I got my olevel art question paper! I picture myself drowning again!Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh =O

According to some stupid chain thingy, I'm suppose to die in 48 hours. Eh, slightly less than that actually. I wouldn't be that bad I guess. That is, depending on the way I die. Let's see..

2007-10-02T23:34:00.000+08:00

Tiredddd! I wanted to sleep like by ten today =( I didn't think I would come back home so late!

I finally got to change my mobile. To Nokia 6288 =) I know la, it's not a new model but.. I think it's good enough, so yeah. The sales assistance kept stressing on how old the model is and whether I was sure I wanted it. But horh, what's the point of getting what the newest phone? Not like it can do what normal phones can't. Maybe, ya, there are some new functions. But not like I need those tua tua functions right!

Haha anyway, the world is really small. Or should I say, Singapore is. But I don't mean it literally. Sort of. Anyway anyway, I met the girl who drove me crazy in _ _ _ _ in the train. Quite..shocking, in a way. Since I have never seen her before. As in, face to face. But I hope she didn't recognise me. It'll be bad man.

I met Nicole's mum too! Eh not really. Or rather, she met me. Hahaha apparently she was standing in front of me but I didn't realise!

Mhm. Today, Nicole and I were trying to find out the username and password of this game I used to play two years ago. A realllllly boring game to me. But the process was really funny. Especially when we started finding out other usernames and passwords instead of the intended one. Man, I was really "emo" last time man. Okay, maybe, still a little now.

"Packing" the classroom's balcony yesterday was super funny. Hahaha especially the moth part. But other than those few moments, it was horrible. And I can absolutely understand why they were so annoyed. I don't understand why people wouldn't clear their things in the locker/balcony. I mean, it's like your things, not someone else's. And when some other people clear your things, you get so upset and say some really negative comments. I mean, seriously, think about whose fault it is. You think it's so fun throwing things away? Not to mention how much effort it takes to even throw them away. Don't act like the people in-charge of the cleanliness is suppose to do all those rubbish okay. It's like pee-ing anywhere and expecting someone else to clear it up for you. If you wouldn't like to spend what little time left on cleaning other people's mess, than what must you waste other people's time cleaning up your mess? Ji suo bu yu, wu shi yu ren!

Haha, I act like I'm the one annoyed. But really lorh, it's annoying. Feng shui lun liu zhuan, next time really your turn then you understand how annoying you once were and how much you have troubled others. Eh and I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I just got reminded of how terrbile I felt in Sec two, when I was the clean and green chairperson? Sounds so cool but it's absolutely not man. Especially when the teacher scolds you like every time she enters the classroom and when you get hated by everyone else just because sometimes some extreme things happen. Haiyo.

So my mum's irriated with me because the sales assistance gave me the wrong memory card and she has to go back to change it. I can't go to change it myself cause even though the phone's under my name, I'm under 21 so I can't do much or something like that. ( I want to say.. It's not not fault that she took the wrong one!!!)

Wan an!

2007-09-30T20:29:00.000+08:00

生命中，不断地有人离开或进入。于是，看见的，看不见的；记住的，遗忘了。生命中，不断地有得到和失落。于是，看不见的，看见了；遗忘的，记住了。然而，看不见的，是不是就等于不存在？记住的，是不是永远不会消失？

2007-09-29T19:38:00.000+08:00

I'm tired! =( And my eyes hurttttttttt =((

YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M FINALLY DONE WITH MY ART! Wow man. Even the air I take in feels lighter. As in, you know..I think the air in _____ when I went there in Sec 2 was SUPER heavy. Ah anyway, yaaaaa, I just feel like wow. Okayyyy, I can't explain it man. It's more shiok (manyly cause it's more..personally now) than hearing the SYF results.

Anyway anyway, so, I started studying biology. Hahaha, my first time studying for olevels. As in, the last time I studied was.. the test before prelims? Mhm, because of some stuff and I was just being too.. I don't know..just wrong. Ah anyway, ya, but it turn out quite a failure. Not because I procrastinated (shocking right!) but because I wanted it to _______? Mhmmmm, I got back my prelim results already. Have I mentioned this before? And my opinion of it is.. cmi la! Hahahahahaha, my first time using that abbreviation leh! I just learnt it recently, haha! It means : cannot make it. Mhm. I think while everyone, well, almost, is thinking about how their marks could/couldn't make it to JC, I'm thinking about how they couldn't even make it to ITE. But.. I guess it's was quite..okay? I improved mannnnn!

Hahaha Friday was super tiring. And I really mean super super! My voice was like so weird in the morning. And I actually fell asleep when they went through the Math paper? As in, I wouldn't sleep on purpose during such..timing. Maybe I would accidentally, but never ke yi! And I was so tired when I came back that I slept almost as soon as I bathe finish and watch the last part of Ghost Whisperer (coincidentally).

Oh yeahhhh, you know, just now when I was studying biology, I was like making random noises. Not really singing (I can't sing for nuts). Random things like my banana noise. Do you know my banana noise? I know for sure Nicole knows it. And maybe rx, I'm not sure. So this was the conversation between my mum and I:

Mum: -Suddenly-Obviously you like Bio.

Me: Why?

Mum: -Laughs at my sudden loud reaction-You are like singing and making noises la. See you do your corsework. Hide here hide there, blackout, huh still got amnesia. Mine is like temporarily, yours is like what, permernant?

Aiya, it's not funny now. Okayyy, I'm tired. Good nighhhhht.

Happy for an unhappy person.

2007-09-27T19:48:00.000+08:00

Don't you think happiness is based on someone else's misery? As in, it's like it's your happiness when lets say you win a scholarship but it's upon someone else's misery because that person lost it. Mhm, I don't know how to explain it. But what Giraffe said was also true. Another way of looking at it, would be, happiness is the absence of sadness. I guess it's just how we look at things.

Which reminds me, why can't one not like something but think it's nice? Why must things be nice only when you like them? Why can't you like things that aren't nice. I mean, the reason why you liked it was because it wasn't nice. Cannot meh? There's many things I don't exactly like but I think it's nice. Actually, to me, everything's nice. Doesn't mean you don't like something means that is not nice what. Right? Eh.. but I think some things are really not nice. Like.. RATS. COCKROACHES. SPIDERS. LIZARDS. I mean, seriously, what are they here on Earth for? I can understand lizards and spiders but why cockroaches and rats? What do they do man? What, balance the ecosystem by killing homo sapiens?

2007-09-23T02:18:00.000+08:00

It hurts so badly, it's killing me. It wasn't suupose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. I wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. It wasn't suppose to be like this. I can't do it. I really can't. I wasn't suppose to end up like this.

I'm afraid. I don't know exactly why. All that comes to my mind is everything that has happened recently. About yesterday. About what Miss Praveena said to me. About what Miss Rose said to me. About how I saw Mrs Goh rushing to see me even though she was busy. About what Nicole and the other art girls talking me out. About everything that has happened in the past nine months. The time when I fell ill during English prelim. The time when Miss Pravenna asked me about my art and offered to accompany me to places to take pictures for my art. The time when she came to my class to pass me a mindmap she did for my art. The times when Mrs Tan would ask me about my social studies and about some other things. The time when Miss Quek came to my class just to ask me whether I applied for the award. The times when she would call me just to ask how was things. The time when Mrs Goh spent her free time and gave me the tissue she so happen brought along that day. The time when Miss Quek spent hours late at night to teach me math. The times when JiaWei would run around the school to find me, afriad of me doing something I'll regret, and talk till she herself cried. So many, many more. I think of all those times, the care they had for me, the words that were said to me.. and I really hate all that is happening now. I hate it how I have dissappointed them. I don't like how everything is becoming now. I don't even know what to say anymore.

I remember, we had to visualise ourselves, of what we all will be like ten, twenty years from now. Most of us could. Some of us could see ourselves in a job that we have always wanted. Some, see themselves doing some day-to-day action. But me, I couldn't.

I realised, I can't even imagine myself being alive.

2007-09-20T00:27:00.000+08:00

This is mission impossible man =(

I think I'm getting better. Well, at least my fever have subside and I don't have sorethroat anymore. Okay, but my cough's getting worst than ever.

New Word: Sycophant (sounds like elephant)

2007-09-17T15:21:00.000+08:00

ahHHHH! The worst thing that can ever, ever happen to a student in the midst of examinations! =(

I was thinking of writing the url to the blog I'm currently using now here. Since the reason for me moving have already like you know, sort of don't really exist anymore. But I don't know. It's kind of weird there. And in the beginning, I planned to only write the link to the other blog which I would be using after "everything" is over. I mean, after o's and stuff. But.. Aiya, it feels so weird to blog now!

AGAAA AHHH AGUAHHWWWW =(

I don't like the word "damaged" anymore =(

Okay, so it has been bad recently. But what da hey, I'm happy that I finally got out of it. Or at least this time I really think it is. Aiya, even if tomorrow I may drop back into the hole again, I'm fine with it. Well.. as least I have seen the view from up here and above and it definitely feels better from up here rather than down there huh. During the weekend, I've been thinking quite a fair bit. (Hell, I had lots of time to think cause _________. Such rotten luck huh) Annnnnnd, although I took quite a fair bit of time getting myself out of it, I'm quite I guess happy that I actually pushed myself to walk that road. I guess I really learnt quite a bit! And like they always say, if you don't find manage to find what you're seeking, it's because you've been misdirected to look elsewhere. Haha I guess I just couldn't find what I was looking for even after three years because I didn't really know what was I trying to find. Or maybe I once did, but after a while, I realised it wasn't what I really wanted. I still don't, but I'll continue seeking. I may spent my whole life searching. I may live a life without knowing the answer. But, it's fine because I'll rather regret doing something than regret not doing something =) Ah okay, and I don't wanna be the Sam I used to be. I mean, the one I am now. I want to do the things on my own. I don't wanna be the Sam who only lives living for other people. Hell, I only end up hurting myself. Yes, and I'll stop psycho-ing myself to think the way you want me to. You _ _ _ _ _ _ (dont ask me why, the first thing that came to my mind was "banana". Eh maybe it fits. The nana behind makes it sounds more..uh..right? As in, the repetition. Coconut also can. How bout slup-urp-berry? Okay, I shall stop it)! Anywayyyy, Goodbye old and hello new! =D

I feel like I'm back to the I've-forgotten-how-to-talk days. It's quite bad because when I start talking, people give me the I-can't-understand-and-even-if-I-do-you're-talking-weird-stuff kind of look =/

Eh I like Slurp-urp. Okay, so lame. Goodbye! Back to "being damaged".

2007-09-09T01:33:00.001+08:00

"I'm happy with myself."

Would I be able to say that to myself?

2007-09-06T19:27:00.000+08:00

If I am able to hate it that much to overcome that one last barrier, would you be there to hold me back? Or have I gone too far to be held back?

2007-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

I don't know how should I be feeling now.

You know, this morning, I told myself that I will not cry because of that reason ever again. And if I did, it would be the day they will get to read the letter. I was angry. Why wouldn't I be? There I was telling her the truth when I could have lied like I did to everyone else but there she is refusing to hear my explanation. I had faith. But now I have none.

I was pretty aggitated just now. I hate it. I hate when my mum changes the truth or rather say part of the truths. I hate it when she'll tell me what to say or what not to say to the doctor before we actually seen him. I hate it how she always thinks I'm lying. It was so obvious. She kept stressing on "if you're geniune unwell" blahblah. It hurts. For four freaking years I have been struggling with this. For the past four years, I admit family was one of my last pirority. But I do know that somewhere hidden in me, I yearn for the care and concern I think a family should have. Maybe that's why strings was so important. Maybe thats why I love the violas that much. Even though we're not lovely doovely all the way and sometimes we actually cut each other's throat or have word wars, I was happy cause there were moments I felt as if we were really a family. As stupid as this may sound, I feel like I'm loved when I'm with them. Thats why simple actions like someone saying "I love you" to me means so much to me. Though I don't really show it because I'll look like an idiot.

Just now, when the doctor wanted to give me a two days mc, my mum said she wanted me to go to school. And the doctor started being aggitated. And they started argueing. The doctor insisted that I should go to the specialist tomorrow and not go to school. My mum said she wanted me to take the prelim. The doctor insisted that I can't do the exam. My mum kept saying ya she knows but I still have to school. And the doctor and I were like asking why I still have to go to school if I'm not doing the exam. And my mum replied, "To do the exam." When we left, I was angry. I mean, she doesn't believe I'm unwell, fine. She doesn't care I'm unwell, fine. But there I was, still in pain, and all she could think of was taking that freaking paper. I cried on the way back. And I dont know whether the it was because it hurts so damn much because of whatever or was it because that freaking few sheets of paper was more important than me. It sucks okay. To feel like I'm nothing compared to some non-living thing.

My mum came to talk to me a while ago. Apparently, her story was so different. Maybe that "today" really got confused with "two days". I don't really care. She asked me why I insisted on doing the English paper at the begining. She said most probably that whatever pain I'm feeling is stress related. For the first time, she asked what is stressing me now. But you should have seen the way she asked me. She thinks it's about prelims. About art. But what was I suppose to say? I couldnt tell her. I cant tell anyone because even I myself don't know what's wrong with myself. I just feel wrong and if I'm really stress, it's different from the I-dont-have-much-time-left kind of stress.

I feel like I'm too far behind and no matter how much I try to catch up, the gap would never close up. Even if I have all the time in the world, the gap between us would just get wider. Maybe, we are of different worlds.

泪

2007-08-26T17:57:00.000+08:00

我真的累了。有人说过：时间能冲淡伤悲。以前我还真的不相信那句话。怎么可能呢？时间真的能抹去那些回忆吗？当时的我心里真的又气又恨又伤心。我极力地克制自己，但眼泪老在眼眶里打转。有时不经意，眼泪就不住地往下流。周围的人以为他们懂。他们以为如果我痛痛快快地大哭一场，我就能像以前一样。他们错了。我并没回到以前的我。但那并不重要。因为我发现关本的自己是多么的令人讨厌。也知道了“朋友”不让我知道的事实以及他们“为我”做的事情。就这样我熬过去了。我，还是可以感觉到当时的痛苦。那是一种可能用一辈子也无法忘记的。但我发现已经变了。我原本相信的事实，忽然全都不存在了。

无所谓。反正从一开始，是我逼自己走这条路的。

胃痛。我知道很多人不相信我真的有胃痛。相信我的只有一两个吧。其实我也怀疑自己。我不知道是真的因为胃出了问题还是因为我很害怕。所以每当痛的时候，我都会试着忍耐。但是老实说，我真的很怕。

有时候心也跟着痛。医生说是我的胃造成的痛。真的是这样吗？

如果我回头看，你会在那里吗？

是我痴心妄想吧。

2007-08-05T14:57:00.000+08:00

It feels like it have been a long time since I came here when really, it's only been a few days. I think, I can't remember when was the last time I actually posted, here. Everytime when something happens, something I think would make me different, or something I call " A change in state", I'll move to another blog. Perhaps to me, it means a lot. Since last year, I've been saying I wanted to move to another blog, even saying that I'll make my own layout. But if was never done. Does it mean that actually all along, one part of me wanted to stay? Haha I really don't know. And everytime something happens, I start feeling disgusted.

I think right from the beginning, I never was angry. Maybe, just hurt. But.. it isn't so bad now. I guess I can't blame you guys, really. I can't force you guys to feel the same way as I do towards you all, right? Right! =)

If there was someone to be blamed, it would be me. For loving someone I shouldn't be loving.

I've moved.

2007-07-29T01:28:00.000+08:00

For words that were spoken.
For those unsent letters in your drawer.
For the momory you locked.
For the love I have for you,
Remember me, would you?

2007-07-26T19:20:00.000+08:00

But our bond cannot be split.

YAYYYYYY! I'm so luckky! :) Oral didn't turn out badly! Not that it's very good but I'm just happy that it didn't go as bad as it usually would! I'm so, so glad the conversation topic is about performing arts. Hahaha, if all the questions he asked me were counted as questions (I hope you get what I mean), it's super funny cause one of the questions he asked was, "That means you know Claudice?". HAHAHA!

Yay yayy :) I don't know how tomorrow is gonna turn out. I hope I'll survive it without _ _ _ _ _ _. I suppose disecting frogs wouldn't be that. That is if the skin isn't that disgusting to touch and that the heart isn't beating. But but =/ I'm looking forward to tomorrow because it's Friday AND I get to meet the Friday People (I think, I hope). But.. I'm not looking forward because.. IF I DONT GET MY FINAL LAYOUT TOMORROW, I'M SO GONNA DIE. LIKE, REALLY, REALLY. Ahhhh, I'm scared of her already! =/ So yeah. Howwwww. I think if it weren't for the friday people, I think I'll give up already. Hahaha, I'm that weak man. Oh yeahhh, today, while waiting for out turn for oral, Chris and I were like trying our best to sleep so we don't need to sleep tonight. And we were saying even while sleeping, we must think about our art, hahaha!

I'm addicted to Milo Dino. =/ It's a bad thing because I have to drink it every single day now! But I don't exactly like Milo. I just like the powder. This reminds me of why I still drink 100plus even though I don't really like it. Weird..

Someone, help meeeeeeee.

2007-07-25T20:26:00.000+08:00

To be, or not to be

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! =(

Think of happy stuff :)

Yesterday, MrsTim (Giraffe) and I went to take our photos for the graduation certificate. Man, I need one photo like badly. I can't let them choose the "leukemia" oneee! Hahaha but we ended up taking photos near this staircase. It was super funnyyyy! But I still look weird. My dad said I look so fake in that photo. -_- Not like the person would know I'm faking the smle righht! Okay, can see la. But.. I can't help it if I don't know how to smile! No matter how I smile, my parents say I look so fake. Sorry lah, I tian shen don't know how to smile one. How how how! Someone, teach me how to smilllllleeeeee!

My father said that the photo I took for my IC looks the best. !?! I look like an elephant leg laaa. When I was looking through all my passport size photo, I realised I was like so fat last time la. Then my dad was like, "Where got? Last time so nice. Now so thin!". I'm thin?! Even my mum thinks I'm fat la! When I passed her the vegetables yesterday, she said, "Why your school give you? You too fat already righht!"

The staircase where we took our graduation photo!

I'm so glad Miss Pravenna made us sitting partners

last year =)

There was another photo where giraffee grey scaled it but leaving our pinafores blue. It was super funny cause she made this gui lian and I was having this what-is-happening-behind-me kind of expression.

Nicole's graduation gown is _________. Hahahaha it's so not her man! You know, to prevent me from seeing it, she deleted all the photos from her gallery. But.. she forgot to delete them from her sent box! And nicole, if you're ever going to see this, there was two reason why I laughed so hard during recess. The first is because I saw it when you were talking about the measures you took to prevent me from seeing it. And the other is.. I'll tell you if you ask me =)

I accidentally fall asleep yesterday so I slept for 12 hours 15 mins. I can' believe it. Usually, when I sleep for 12 hours, I'll wake up automatically. Now, I can't even wake up! =/

Back to my "off" mood

Someone, save me. I'm dying for art.

2007-07-22T22:58:00.000+08:00

Then maybe, I'll be able to stop believing what I'm seeing.

We may see the same sky and walk the same path but we are of different worlds. I just got misled. A wishful thinking on my part.

2007-07-21T16:43:00.000+08:00

Friday People

I finally fell asleep at 5 this morning. I'm tired. What is this mannnnn! Me, Soh Xiu Ting Samantha, the one who can sleep anywhere anytime, is having troubles to sleep?! A PIG JUST FLEWWWWW. ... Just ignore me.

Haiyo. Went to the dentist today. He said my teeth are a little sensitive. I think it's more because I'm very sensitive to pain. Aiya, I can't help it if my threshold for pain is super low righht!

Oh yaaa, yesterday I logged in to Friendster because of something and I thought since I was there, might as well update it right. But before I could update finish, I got bored. -_-

I think Fridays are the days I'm happiest and the day I'm most myself. Though it's also the day where I'll do stupid things to ____ myself, it's still good.

While I was trying to sleep last night, I was thinking how dying in one's sleep would feel like. Would you know? Would it hurt? Would you feel yourself struggling to breathe your one last breath when your heart stops beating?

2007-07-19T23:27:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I dream about the impossible.

I guess it's times like this when I can be rational (minus the fact that my eyes are threatening to close). Though I know that things will change as tomorrow comes, I'll like to believe, even if it's just a few seconds, that the reason behind all those actions were to protect and shield me, from you.

--

I only have a vague recollection of what I wanted to write above. This post was meant to be yesterday's. But I kind of fell asleep while writing it. Sleeping nowadays is really scary. It's like a black hole. I can't describe it exactly but it's like I keep falling asleep unintentionally and I can't wake up. When I finally do, I wake up suddenly, feeling so breathless like I have fallen into a bottomless pit. And no matter how much I sleep, it's never enough. And that feeling is just so.. gross. I can't sleep intentionally. Not that I want to, it's just so.. bad. I feel like I haven't slept for years.

I think I do the weirdest things when I'm annoyed with myself.

I don't feel like writing anymore.

2007-07-18T22:36:00.000+08:00

Unpalatable Truths

Yayyyy! School was oh-kay today. I think I only had biology lessons today? But I spent most of my time sleeping because because I didn't really sleep yesterday/today. Uhhhh.

Annnnnnd, I'm very happy today because.. I FINALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR ART. It's really late I know, but at least now I have an idea! I'm back to trees again though! =D

Yippy yo yay yippy yippy ~

2007-07-18T00:13:00.000+08:00

On open wounds

Today was a bad day. Like really, really. By eleven in the morning, ten things have already gone wrong. Ahhhh, I think I was super duper rude when I went to 4Hope in the morning =/

Okay, Sam, don't think of anything else.

Happy happy stuff (not really, you'll know why):

This is Max when he's Emo-ing. Even dogs do, okayyyy.

Max's cameror shy. I wanted to take a photo of the act cute pose he always does but he just refused to look at me. Not even my direction. =(

I don't like it when he does that. You can't really see it but he's bitting his paws. I can't stand that annoying sick sound. It's as if he's chewing his bone or something.

I gave up.

2007-07-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

On open wounds

Today was a bad day. Like really, really. By eleven in the morning, ten things have already gone wrong. Ahhhh, I think I was super duper rude when I went to 4Hope in the morning =/

Just now, I was trying to find my certificates for the student strength thingy. And because I have so little, it was super hard to find them la. Except the certificate for the viola exam. Hahaha cause I have a cupboard specially for things that are important to me (and I like them) currently. And I realise almost everything inside there is related to strings. Even the scores are there? Those really, really old ones. And.. I found an envelope there too. I guess when I first saw that envelope, many thoughts rushed to my mind. At first, I thought it was the one my parents wrote two years ago during church camp. But I figured it couldn't be cause firstly, one mum would use recyled envelopes not those brand new white white kind and secondly, it wouldn't be in that drawer. So, I opened it. I found a letter that wasn't addressed to anyone in particuar and was written by me. I froze when I read it.

I guess it's different now. It used to be "outside" but now, it's more "inside". It's more complicated than it seems because it can't be proven or explained. I would say, "There'll will no disappointment when there isn't hope." Last year, it wasn't that bad because I didn't have it. This year, it's harder because I lost what once belongs to me. Or maybe I got convinced by others that it belonged to me. I wouldn't want it to be more or less actually, I just want to know it exist. But, I guess deep inside, all I wanted was more. Words said and left unspoken. I think I lost it.

Three years ago, I was searching for Truths. Truths that never existed.
One year later, I stumbled on unpalatable ones.
Last year, I found out hidden "Truths". I never believed in them but found them appealing.
Now, I'm feeding off them.

Okay okay. Eh I shall be a happy bunny now.

2007-07-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

Chjoyu

I made that up some time last year. It holds lots of significance to me. But I don't want to let it go. Maybe, when the time comes, it'll save me. Who knows?

Did you guys see the skkkkkky? It's so beauiful! In the past, it was surprising to see even three stars. Now there's easily thirty =D They're so preeeety!

Suxian's so cool man. Hahaha I asked her for her badge just now and she immediately gave me her name tag. Her reaction was super funny! Can't describe it here =/ Yayyyy, now I only need to have sky's, brown cow's and ravished's name tags before I collected "all" of the viola section! ( Woah, I think I sure no hope one) Gambette!

I'll find a way out :)

2007-07-15T01:02:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling wrong enough to write about today but I'll try my best. I don't want today to go into waste.

I was fashionably late meeting mushmush and brown cow today. Haha, as usual. Oh, you know, just now, when I was telling my mum what how much I ate today, I took a lonnnng time to recall what we ate for lunch and for dinner. Like.. about 5 minutes? Spent lost of money on food. Mhm in fact, everything I spent today, was on food (Tickets not included since technically, it was bought yesterday). Harry Potter wasn't that bad. Not as bad as I imagined it to be, at least (If I even imagined). Harry, Hermoine and Ron don't look like good friends anymore. They look like strangers. Maybe this one isn't that good because it's building up the climax for the 5th one. Maybe.

Today's also the first day I watch two movies in one day. I remember the first/only time I wanted to watch two shows on the same day was when I was in Primary 6. Yeah, it's not what you're watching, it's who you're watching with. That second show I wanted to watch in Primary 6, was a horror movie. Mhm, back to today. The second movie I watch today was Die Hard 4. I think. I can't remember what number it is. I think it's 4. The number's appearing in my head. Uh there's a possibility it's there because it's one of my favourite numbers (Okay, maybe not favourite. Just.. one of my preferences). Not bad. I kept shifting in my seat though. Oh, the ratio of guys : girls in that cinema was like umm 7 : 1?

-

You know, I do know that the world's like that. And that everybody's life is just as messed up as mine. Perhaps even far worst. But.. I don't know. I don't want to find out so soon that even we're like them. WHY? Why must you, come now? Of all days, now. Why must you tell me about us, about them. Because I already know what you told me. Because If you didn't tell me about it, I wouldn't even notice it. I wouldn't notice that they are like "them". And I wouldn't find out that in every one of us, there's a "them". But you'll never realise that when you're out there, to "them", you're a "them" and vice versa. Whatever you were thinking, were the thoughts that "they" had. It's like a circle that never ends. A circle in a circle.

It's already Sunday. I'm barely down with half not to mention 4. Whan am I ever going to finish it. And When will this ever end? When I'm done? When the exams are over? Whan my secondary studies come to an end? When I'm one step closer to my "dreams"? When my days countdown? When I take my one last breath?

I am so freaking tired. Because I'll never be good enough. For you. For them. For myself. I hate it. I hate the way that I am. I hate the way how I never get to change. I hate myself for being such a coward. A idiot who can't even speak up for herself. Damn this whole thing. I want so badly to get out of all these. It's tearing me apart, I swear. I would do almost anything to get out. If swallowing something so big could relieve everything, even if I'm afraid of vomiting it out, I'll still eat it. All the "if"s. All those freaking "if"s.

Even if I wanted to tell somebody about all these, who can I go to? Who can I go to to solve all these? Who is that somebody who wouldn't judge me if I told he/she? Who is that somebody who would believe all these are the truth? Who, would believe in me?

This isn't something that can be solve just by "telling someone". It doesn't make me "feel better". In fact, it makes me feel worst. Like I'm pulling someone down with me.

I'm such a twisted person, you'll never believe what I'm thinking when I'm looking at you. But I swear I can't help it feeling that way.

2007-07-14T11:52:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was FRIDAY THE 13TH! Hahaha my last friday the 13th in st nicks =)

I swear I do weird things when I'm awfully tired. Well, I can't help it!! So when I start saying/doing weird things, don't think I'm going crazy!

So yesterday was a tiring day. Yesss, even Mr Goh could see I was tired. And I remember he asked me, "So this one can integrate anot?" And I was like nodding my head then shaking my head. Then he started laughing like I was crazey. =( HAHAHA.

And yesterday was the first time I actually didn't do my guai4 pi4. But horh, the people who I saw right, did the guai4 pi4 thing to me la! Even EEK. hmph.

Watching Harry Potter today! Many people say it's not worth watching but.. a bit watch the first three then now don't watch meh! Yay, watching with mushmush and brown cow some more! =D I must try my best to not be late todaaaaay!

2007-07-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

Buddy buddy.

Sitting here, my mind goes blank, again. zZz Why is even coming here to blog like writing an essay like thaaaat!

HAHAHA eh you know what! Yesterday I was very tired so I slept super early like that 6 plus? Then rong xuan called me at 9 plus and my brother/mother told her I was sleeping already. And she messaged me, "Oh my god. Why you sleep so early?" I think it's super funny cause I'm so used to people saying that I'm crazy for sleeping too late and not early. uuuuuh ya. =)

Eh this whole day is like ________. Why when one person msg me, suddenly everybody also msg me. It's either no one or like 3 at one go? Ming ming zhi dao my inbox no space already! And horh, I cannot multi task one. =(

But at least got sms =)

I need to have anger management!!!! Why do I keep doing/saying things on impulse! =(

I'm so gonna change my guai4 pi4. Starting from tomorow!

-

I'm addicted beyond all reasons to this nightmare.

2007-07-10T23:07:00.000+08:00

Biology test, English Timed piece and two Social Studies essay questions =( Enough writing for the day maaaaaaan!

How I wish my English was better. Whenever I try to explain something to someone else, I feel like I'm talking a different language and nobody understands.

I went for "CCA" again. Haha somehow, I'll always end up there even if it's five minutes. I stayed muchhhh longer today though. But I went there for an official reason! Sort of. I went there to find out my examination timing. Man, I'm like the first violist? At 9:27? =( So earlllllly! They are playing St Paul's Suite now. They had "check ups" which is something like auditions. And for the first time in my life [I think], I actually was the one hearing and not playing! Eer, there isn't much of a difference anyway cause I can't hear anything. HAHAHA, okay, not funny. Actually got difference la. Cause if I'm the one playing, I would be super uper nervous!

I feel like I haven't ate chilli and drank many drinks for a looooong time even though it's only like what, one week? Aiyaaaaa, it's always like that one horh. When you can't do something then you'll actually take note.

You know, I was trying to find my compass just now because I don't like using the one already in the Mathematical Set. I tried to find it like since yesterday? But the problem with me is that I'll always put something in a "safe" place but I end up no remember where the "safe" place is. And after finding ALL the possible "safe" place, I still couldn't find it. Randomly, I search ___________ and it was really there. Guess where it was? IN MY BAG. -_- I can't believe it man. But at least I found it horh! :)

Actually if you asked me whether I eat regualr meals, I don't really know how to answer. I mean, I believe there are many others who are like me. As in, you see ah. I realised I only eat two meals a day. Or sometimes three when I'm bored. Even if I wake up early and eat my breakfast at lets say 630am. And then four and a half hours later, it's recess. Lunch is two and a half hours later. And it's like you're not exactly hungry yet if you don't eat, the only time you can eat is like at 5? Okay, 445 to be exact. So I usually eat only during recess and dinner. I know I can't blame the school because it has to accomodate everyone. But you can't blame me for not feeling hungry at the times I'm given to be and feeling hungry when I'm not supposed to right! But come to think of it, It's been a lonnng time since I last felt hungry. As in, like not because I'm having gastric pain or because I have to eat or else I'll like, you know, later.

Lalala, moo moo cow.

2007-07-09T18:51:00.000+08:00

Ohmy goshhhh. So embarrasinnnnng! =( Everybody was like staring at me la. And again, I have to pretend like nothing have just happened. Haiyo.

I don't understand how can we save the Earth. Yes, we can prevent it from deteriorating so fast but we can't save it. How can we freeze back the melted glaciers? Or mend the hole in the ozone layer? It's all too late. It's like wishing we wouldn't age.

I can't stop myself from laughing during RE. I wonder why your random thoughts are things I have done before. I don't understand why I'm __________________ . I wish I could explain my thoughts. I think things would be so much different if she doesn't hear but listens to me. I want to listen to others. Hey ho yo.

2007-07-08T16:53:00.000+08:00

Yay, I'm so happy now because I heard about something. Yayyyy, I'm so happy for her! :D

Yesterday wasn't that bad. I was just super tired at the end of the day. My eyes started to hurt like on the way back to church? I think if I wasn't standing in the bus, I would have fallen asleep. I'm to lazy to write everything that happened yesterday but for the sake of rememembering, I'll write random words that come to my mind.

Lets see:

loud music. certificate. sign-in. groups. 2A. 2C. shirts. change. Hilary. choices. abc abc. Jonah. symbols. praise and worship. cookie. dinner. econs. cookie! bus. purple light. in me. rifle. emergency window. ben and jerry. psychology. expo. concert. goodie bag. praise and worship. fairprice. crackers. chiken something. a penny for your thought. curry puffs. kleenex. heart. story. praise and worship. bus 5. braces. Pan's Labyrinth. window. don't tell me you can see something i can't horh. mad world. my immortal. CTK! bus. Louisa. home. break/hip hop dancing. jiu ming. wo cai.

Okay, I have to go now! =( before i get caught.

2007-07-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

To Brown Cow and MushMush: hello! I don't know whether you guys would really come here but I'm still writing it anyway. Mhm I kind of forgot my brother will be back for the weekend so I may not be able to come online. Like even though I have quite a few laptops/computers at home, because of different reasons, only two is available. So yeah. Enjoy yourselves! =D

---

So, today was better but I was being annoying so it's quite bad.

Do you know our clock starts ticking backwards at the age of twenty-one?

I was walking back home just now and just, thinking about things. About me, about everything around me. And I guess.. aiya, it's hard to express. I wanted to write so much about what I've thought on my way back but nothing comes to my mind as I'm sitting here.

And I can't let that happen again
cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

2007-07-05T23:41:00.000+08:00

The past few days were bad. It really proves "If you think things can't get worst, it gets worst." Like really realllllllllllly bad. I didn't really have the "mood" to study nor do any of the tests this week. But oddly, I think today's social studies and geography test were like the best ever? Well, at least I wrote more than one page? Considering I've sort of never written more than half a page before (I think). This's the first time in this week that I sincerly hope (and have a little teeny weeny bit of faith) that at least, for the remaining days of the week, things wouldn't be thaaaaaat bad. I'm still mixed up and stressed over the same things but something's different now. I just hope I'm not going to continue being crazy.

It. still. hurts. It's not that kind of OHMY-I-WANT-TO-BANG-MY-HEAD-AGAINST-THE-WALL kind of pain. It's bearable..but still! It makes me sick and gross. So I think I'm going to the doctor again tomorrow. Though I have extra lessons but it's sort of the only day I can go? I don't know..at least it's Biology extra lessons and mhm it starts at 345? Or maybe there wouldn't even be lessons! Aiyaaaaa, see how first. Annnnnd, I didn't tell my mum about it today. I think I'm back to the when-I-reach-my-limit-again-then-I-shall-tell period. Not that she'll believe me, anyway.

Yay, I feel a little happy now because it's Thursday. Means tomorrow there isn't any test. Means it's the day I can sleep more. AND I'M STILL AWAKE?!?!

2007-07-01T14:04:00.000+08:00

HAHA eh you know what? Yesterday, my brothers were like, "Woah, look at Samantha. Sure go army next time one!" I think I would go if it wasn't like five years for females?

Anywayyyyy, today's newspaper got the lyrics for Purple Light in the Lifestyle Special to commemorate 40 years of National Service! Of course is another not so crude version. Nevermind, still very funny! With my rife and my buddies and me-eee-eeeeeee ~

Why am I doing my brother's homework so he can enjoy his last few moments here!

2007-06-30T22:44:00.000+08:00

I need a closure.

The things that have happened just yesterday and today have made me exhausted enough to sleep for five hours straight (in addition to my sleep). I don't know, I don't want to think about them either. I'm not running away from my thoughts or anything but what's the whole point? I guess what people see is the results and not the effort. I can try as hard but as long as the results doesn't show, a conclusion is made --- I didn't put in any effort. And what do you expect me to feel? When I put in effort and I fail, it's hard for me to face my failure already. I don't expect you to comfort me. But the last thing I need is to have you rubbing it in on how i deserve all this. "Seeing is believing"? Then why do you believe you'll get a shock if ____ dies? Not like that person have already died, how would you know you'll get a shock? Then do you know what's the difference? The difference is I'm a daughter and he is, your son.

And I realise how much a fool I am. In believing that something would miraculously happen and save me from all these. And I guess the biggest mistake of my life is to fall in love with you. Things would be so much easier if I didn't. It's such an irony. The only thing that's preventing me from falling apart is the love I never deserved yet the thing that is breaking me is the fact that I loved you. When I first found out how much different it was from the reality I believed in, I broke. Somehow I managed to be up on my feet again. When I found out the second time, I pretended it didn't affected me. At the third time, I believed in mine and fought with the new. Now the fourth, I'm done with both sides. You won't understand. I don't want to believe anymore. I don't want to wait for a bus that never comes.

Do you know how much this have affected me? And all those crazy things I've done just so history wouldn't repeat. Or even that feeling. You don't know how much I hate and fear that feeling.

When I'm done with this, I'll kill that part of me. I'll use that pain to remember. And if I don't, I'll inflict the same pain over and over again till I learn. This is, my promise.

2007-06-28T22:34:00.000+08:00

"Why must you hold that?"
"Why must you use your phone?"
"Why did you bring that?"
"Why did you drink that?"

Why must you ask so many "why"s? Why must I answer you? Why are you asking when you don't care? I don't need and don't want them if you don't mean it.

2007-06-26T23:47:00.000+08:00

I went to Giraffe's house yesterday to study for Biology test and to practise for the viola examination. The practice was quite bad and I'm to blame for it cause I kept playing out of tune. I mean, it was so out that even I could hear it was? Haha but the studying part was funny because many random things happened. And I think I'll remember ureter for the rest of my life, HAHAHAHA! Giraffe lent me a book. It's nice! I finished reading it already! Haha while I was reading it today, seven people told me it's a fantastic book. It's "for one more day" by Mitch Albom. [Yes, I know it's shocking that I actually read books.]

Today's sort of the first official Tuesday without CCA. It feels kind of weird. It isn't so bad cause everyday is a long day now. I don't know.. Somehow, I ended up in the mep room. Stayed a while [while hiding] and left. I'm surprise I'm the only red badge who went down. I'll like to believe it's because our class ended early. No, I'm not saying that we should continue coming down or anything, it's just, I didn't expect everything to end so soon, you know? I don't know how to explain it but this's the way I persuade myself that it wouldn't break because there's still a connection. And I don't want to believe that the only connection that's left is the fact that we're still in St Nicks. Went with DSY and DXJ for "dinner" today. Haha I went home to have my dinner but I still went to macs to uhh eat? ICCCEEE-CREEEAAAMMM. And and Mrs Tham caught me there! =/ Eh always so sui (unlucky) one leh. When I never eat with the violas (haha, the instruments) horh, she never see me. And everytime I eat with them, she'll see me! Haha we talked about lots of funny stuff!

I missed you. And I meant it both ways.

--

They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in so doing, they split you apart.

2007-06-26T01:01:00.000+08:00

I'm bushed! =( Talk about sleeping "early" (at 9pm) tonight? zZz I can forget about sleeping for the rest of the week man! There's a test like everyday? With the exception of Friday. And Chinese Oral someday before Thursday. Okay, okay, I can only blame myself.

Maths test was bad. I don't think it's difficult kind of bad. It's more like I can't believe I didn't know how to do it. I mean, I've done similar ones before. And it wouldnt be so bad if I didn't touch my books at all. I mean, well, at least I can tell myself I deserve it cause I didn't study. But then again, I deserve it cause I never studied enough. Never mind, can you see how I'm gonna die for tomorrow's Biology test? You know, yesterday, I was angry with myself over something and I told myself that I'm so gonna work hard and try my uber best to stay awake during lessons and focus. But guess what? I was like trying my best to focus even during PC? At first it wasn't so bad but it was getting painfully what. I mean, even the teachers are talking and moving about. Haha that's the difference between the new ones and the ones who have taught for a period of time. The new ones just sit there and look straight while the latter will start talking, looking at some notes or just fidgiting. Do you know how tired I was? I was so tired I ended up sleeping at Zoe's lap and she managed to draw on my hand without me knowing! As in, though I'm a heavy sleeper, I can't really really sleep in school. So i'll wake up even if you just touch the table next to me(unless I'm tired and I can't be bothered to open my eyes).

Went to Giraffe's house just now to study and to practise for viola exam. The practice was bad. Mostly my fault cause I kept playing out of tune. It was so out that even I could hear it? Studying was funny because of many random things. And I think I'll remember ureter for the rest of my life, haha! She lend me this book. I haven't finished reading it but it's super nice! Somehow, I like reading books these days. Surprising right?

I've been rushing through this post. My eyes hurt like mad. I have more than 8 mosquitoe bites on my right leg alone. -_-

Oh yes, before I end this. Just now I bought a mag because of him again and at the back of the magazine, they had the horoscope thing. It's unbelievably true for me again! Exactly somemore.

---

It's like this line is drawn somewhere in the world and if you never cross it, you'll never consider throwing yourself off a building or swallowing a bottle of pills --- but if you do, you might.

The truth is, there is no line. There's only your life, how you mess it up, and who is there to save you.

Or who isn't.

2007-06-20T20:46:00.000+08:00

I need anger management. I guess I've been annoying today. I mean, I can't blame someone else for thinking that some non-living thing is more important than me right? And I guess I can't blame ~~my brother~~ him for not knowing the difference between water and pee. Argh, why do I do annoying things when I'm annoyed! =(

I wonder whether my appetite's smaller than usual or is it because my mum's giving me more than usual. But I doubt it's the latter because when I asked my mum, she replied, "Means you're aging already. You don't know meh? People eat lesser when they grow older." HAHAHA. Ya.. But it's so much different leh! I get full just by eating half what I usualy do? It's baddddd! But I still continue eating when I'm full anyway. Heh, life's simple pleasures. Oh yeahhhh,I think, once, when I was much younger, I ate so much till I vomited. But that wasn't my fault because if I didn't remember wrongly. two people were forcing my to eat ---- my mum and my grandmother. And neither wanted to give way to each other, haiyo. Talking about that, my mum always force me to eat even though I said I can't already. And even after many countless incidents of how I vomited [immediately] after she insisted I should take just one more scoop [which never is], she till never believes me.

Eh I can't remember what it's called at this moment when you know when you try to stretch your mouth into a line ( ---) like a flattened round dough, there's this two umm things at each side of your neck? It hurts la. So when I move my mouth too much, it hurts. Can it be because of the braces? Aiyyyyyyyya =/

Once bitten twice shy. Usually, when something like that happens, people stop believing altogether. Why then do I keep doing it just to have it feel right? Alhough it never does, though one part of me knows that it never will, I still do? Why? To stop believing altogether is so much easier isn't it?

2007-06-17T02:49:00.001+08:00

Tell me, how long is your "forever"?

2007-06-15T23:12:00.000+08:00

Justin joined the Army today. As in, the BMT thing. Haha I think it's quite cool leh. Especially the bag they give. Inside got super a lot of things la. So cute. And the training looks so cool too. But during the whole ceremony thing, I was so tired la! Must wake up so early somemore. zZz I hope next month when Jonathan goes too, I don't have to go!

ANY SWEAT?
NO SWEAT! CHICKEN FEET HAHA ALL THE WAY!

--

The time now is so cute :424. Why is it cute? Secret. Mhmmmmmmmmm, =(. Don't you think times seems to fly faster when you're sleeping? That's why when I'm dreading something, I have a tendency not to sleep because I don't like the feeling of the thing happening when I open my eyes. So yes, I'm dreading today.

Justin went to the army today/yesterday (Although theorically it's yesterday, I don't count it as yesterday cause I haven't sleep yet haha). The training looks so cool. The bag is soooooo cute la! The food is nicer than what we eat in camps (I'm not saying which) but the serving portion is H-U-G-E man. Maybe cause they need lots of energy after their training?

ANY SWEAT?
NO SWEAT! CHICKEN FEET HAHA ALL THE WAY!

(I took four hundred years to realise that the chicken feet means very easy. As in, I was wondering why is it chicken feet and not duck feet or something. I guess it's because I don't have people around me who uses "chicken feet" as an expression anymore)

2007-06-06T21:36:00.000+08:00

I found out a moment ago that I've been stopping myself from doing certain things. I'm afraid the more I do them, even the simplest of things, the more I become like You. Being like You isn't a bad thing, really. To me, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. But I can't and shouldn't be because that's not me. Many things been happening and I can't help wonder whether the person doing or feeling all those were me. Or that I just assumed that that was me for you. Maybe I'm doing so those just to get noticed. Maybe, I don't know. I feel like I'm going on a journey, on a journey to know myself again. This sounds stupid, I know. I can't help but laugh when I started realising how little I knew about myself. Do you know how it feels like to look into the mirror and see not your reflection but right into your thoughts?

Silence doesn't mean consent. It just means that there isn't a point in explanation. Isn't it? If the other person doesn't want to hear it, you can say it four hundred and forty-four times or give the most reasonable one ever, it just wouldn't make sense to that person. So instead of argueing with that person and making everybody unhappy, the easier way out is just to keep that silence, isn't it?

How many of your friends actually listen to what you say? And not just letting your words flow right through them?

Carrying: Box of tibits, the book and a phone

2007-06-04T21:24:00.000+08:00

Cogito ergo sum

T-i-r-i-n-g =( There's biology spa tomorrow too! I think it's the last. It's not that bad because tomorrow's one isn't a practical paper. As in, don't have to do experiments. (Actually, is don't have to on the flame) But..must write until crazy! =/

Oh yes, nicole pierced her ear! Hahahaha everybody's reaction was so weiiiiird! Ya okay anywayyyy, ya. Uhm, today was quite funny. I was "suppose" to go to ps to get some stuff for jonathan and justin but in the end I didn't. The whole commotion was super funnay and I think the postman thought I got murdered or something because I was lying on the floor at a very awkward position. I think I'm going out tomorrow to get some stuff. Haha, pens. Ehhh I want to buy books too! First time righhhht!

I think I'm the only one who haven't bought the confirmation dress yet? =/ Ahhhh, someone save me. Oh yaaaa, you know i have this "phobia" when I go out? I don't know whether it's strong enough to be counted as one but when I asked my mum about it just now, she told me that she and my grandmother have it too? Just that mind's a little worser. I get headaches and become dizzy almost immediately. Hahaha, not a good thing.

"You remember her ah? I thought you only have ______ in your mind."

2007-05-29T22:42:00.000+08:00

"Let yourself go."

Trust me, I'm so sick of it, I can't wait to get out of this state. But why does it feel like I'm cutting one part of me? Why? Why must I meet someone so similar yet not fated to be with? "Don't cry when it's over, smile because it happened." Smile? I can lie to the whole world but I can't lie to myself. Not anymore. When things get difficult, I can't help wanting more. Bring me back, please?

2007-05-28T23:13:00.000+08:00

Gosh, I'm tired! =/ CHINESE's finally over! I wasn't really scared/nervous/anything about it. At least, not how I would usually feel. Oh well, maybe it's because I didn't really put much effort in it? I think my reaction now is still okay but when the result's back, I'll scream and cry. Uhhhh. But I really should thank EMO EMO KIA and debbie! Thank you emo emo kia for the pencil case and pen! (For some weird reason, using the school's pencil case is a must?) Thank you debbie for your precious pen! (Ting suo she actually change the ink to a new one when she wanted to lend me? So sweeeeeet!) Yesssssss.

Something funny wanny happened today at this particular tanny time. I shan't say what it is about because it will be so obvious! But if you want to know, you can ask =)

Went out with antelope today! Thank you antelope for shopping with me today! It must be really tiring and boring! =/ To find my confirmation dress, we have gone to like Wisma, Taka and Heeren? And we only found two acceptables one. OH MAN. After trying out the dresses at GAP, I feel so zi bei. Dresses. So. Do. Not. Suit. Me. I look so __________. =(

Going to watch POTC with debbie tomorrow! The way MushMush and debbie talk about it like very nice like that. Okay, funny. The way they say like very funny like that but I don't really understand. I can't even remember whether I watch POTC1. I remember watching POTC2 because of mich but.. other than that, I can't remember. I only remember the octopus. Being huge and crunchy. Yaaaa, so tomorrow's gonna be a rushy flushy day. Have to rush back to go for the booster session.

I'm a happy bunny now because I laminated two pictures today. Because daddy wanted to laminate a photo and it had extra space so I could laminate them. I laminated my best neoprint everrrrrr [so far] and the picture which was given by mushmush in the frame (the smaller one). Coincidentally, they are all the same people. Sort of. Yayyy, My Bestest Buddies Everrrr!

Max is like my new best friend. Why? HE JUST KILLED THE HUGE (okay, not really. it's counted small. mhm..3/4 of my palm size. not being sarcastic or anything because that's counted sort of small in my house) SPIDER without eating it. That's like so cool? That spider was supposed to die yesterday but it managed to run away. You know, daddy said that spiders remember who tried to kill them and will take their revenge. I never really thought about it but AFTER WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING, I'm so thankful I'm not the one who tried to kill it.

Today, I got reminded of what nicole said to me in the library the other day. She was reading about this book about friendships and according to the book, the highest level of a friendship would be when both are able to freely talk about their feelings about the other. She was saying how friends like this doesn't exist. I probably wouldn't believe such friendships exist if I didn't have a live example in front of me. Today, when I mentioned about the "highest level of a friendship", the first thing that came to antelope's mind was friends that were able to live in the silence with each other. My phrasing's a little weird but it doesn't matter if you don't get it. As long as I do, it's okay. And..I guess it just made me start thinking about the definations of certain stuff.

I'm tired, Good night.

2007-05-26T15:09:00.000+08:00

The past week was like really bad. I was so worn out I thought I was gonna faint from a concussion (You don't know how I move about when I'm tired man). So, postponed my tuition on monday to thursday. Bad decision cause I died for intergration. I realised that I forget the simplest of things when I'm doing a test/examination. Like during last year's eoy, the part about real roots? The b2-4ac? I took 15 minutes to remember it's b2-4ac. I had "4b-ac", "a2-4c", etc, written all over my paper. uh ya.

Farewell was on tuesday. 15 minutes have passed and I'm still stuck at that sentence. Four years. Fours years of all those ups and downs. If you asked me what I like/love about strings, I can't answer you. I like the people there. I like how it feels so much at home to be with the viola section compared to home. I like the way how we produce music together. I like the way how we all can work towards the same goal. I like the way how everything just falls into place when I go for cca. I like the way, I like everything. And I feel so.. I don't know, to have the only common thread among us, cut. I feel like screaming, shouting, whining, anything, everything, so that all these can just stop. I don't want it to end. I don't want this to be goodbye. Every year, we talk about promises of how our friendships shouldn't end even though things wouldn't be the same anymore. But how many were actually carried out? For all those, we barely even have things to talk about now. And for now, what would we be like one year from now? When we all go to different schools and lead a different life? What will be the common thread among us then? The school wants us to focus on studying now. Do nothing but studying. No more CCA, no more anything. I don't understand. It's not so much on whether we should have a life. If it wasn't for strings, I would have collapse so long ago. I know, I know I must work twice as hard as others so that I can catch up on work. But sometimes, it's so hard because no matter how much I try, no one sees it. I feel like giving up. I don't even know what is the whole purpose? Study hard, to get good grades. Good grades to go to good school. Good school = Good education. Doesn't guarantee a good job but still yeah. Good job, got money. Got money = can live the way I want to? Really? And then?

Drop it.

If you need to contact me, call my house number instead. I'm having troubles switching my mobile ever since yesterday night.

2007-05-21T01:35:00.000+08:00

Haven't been sleeping. I think I'll fall asleep in class. About to beat my record - 48 hours.

HAHAHA suxian said she had a nightmare about me! I think her nightmare is so funny! Why is it counted as a nightmare!

If we all started from 0, humanity wouldn't turn out like this. If I started from 0, I would save myself from falling into a hole I started digging right from the beginning.

2007-05-19T22:21:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH =( This is like doing the impossible!

Went out with EMO EMO KIA and BINTAMINI the MUSHMUSH today! I'm tireeeed! We went to Chinatown and Ikea. Emo emo kia and I rushed to Popular to get some stuff after that! I realised I bought super a lot of things compared to them! I don't think I can finish doing themmmmm! =(((

HAHAHA almost the whole day, mushmush was pretending to be emo emo kia's sister! Super funnaay! What "Must be guai1 horh, or jiejie don't bring you out next time"! Something like that la. While me on the other hand, was like, "AH MOI! Aiyohhhhh, you don't know food veli pre-scious ah! In Ah-fri-ca, they want food also don't have ah!" But in the end, she didn't eat it. Tsk. Her "sister" ate it!

If tomorrow you see me banging into the wall/lamp post, you'll know I didn't sleep at all.

ah Ah AH =/

2007-05-19T11:52:00.000+08:00

Bestest buddies everr!

Nicole was sick yesterday! =( I was feeling unwell too (I always do so it's like nothing) but Nicole's was quite serious! Well, at least I've sort of never seen her been like that during recess! I hope she's feeling better!

Went for CCA yesterday. Felt so weird. We didn't play. We just hang around. Just like that, it's over! =(

There were so many incidents the past few days that were super funny! Like yesterday's tira-miss-you incident! HAHAHA gen the DRAMA QUEEN! Tsk. I would have written alllllll those incidents in the book if it wasn't for the lack of ink! Somehow, I can only write with that pen. So I'm like waaaaaay back in that book.Everytime when I'm not doing anything during free periods, Nicole would say, "Aiya, you so free you go write the book la! You're "owe" a lot of days alreaddy!"

I went online yesterday! First time in..months? Haha, no la, I don't think so. But I know it have been a very long time. I didn't even come and appear offline la! Tsk, so busy lorh.

Mhm.. oh ya! Giraffe came on thursday to practise the viola with me at night! Super funny at parts! It reminded me of last year! All the funny moments at the mep room and at her house!

I don't even know what I'm writing.

Meeting EMO EMO KIA and MUSH MUSH later! Hahaha emo emo kia says it's like an excursion! I still don't know what I want to give =/ I fell asleep at the com last night! I'm back to the primary kid sam. Primary kid sam can't take late nights. Err, so lame.

I was just thinking, you know when there's this girl from let's say China, and her chinese is good, people would always say, "Of course what, from China one". Then when she's from let's say England, then her English is good, they would say, "Of course good la!". So does that mean that your chinese must be good just because you're from China or your english must be good just because you come from countries like England or Australia? Then Singapore leh? If you're not good in Singlish then it's not normal? Haha okay, so lame.

This weekend is so rushy flushy!

2007-05-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been crazy. I'm doing weirder and weirder things as each day passes. I just hope I'll be sane enough to keep walking.

The whole "thing" is back again. I don't know how I'm gonna tide this. The last time I got it was before I went for Church Camp. Come to think of it, ever since camp, it never came back. Sort of. Remember those periods when I'll just act really crazy? The one which unsually lasts for a few hours, weekly/fortnightly/monthly, last time? Yaaaa, I've been having them recently. And it's driving me crazy because..

Please?

2007-05-14T23:11:00.000+08:00

I feel so gross and unwell =( My mum thought I was having a fever too! Man, this is so a no-no period? I don't want to fall sick now! Not now, at least. I. cant. afford. it. =((

You know, today is the first time I was so happy I actually cried. As in, of course I got cry because of reasons other than being upset la. Like.. cause I finally understood something or something. But it's the first time I actually cried because of pure joy. I passed my chinese prelims! You don't know how shocking it is because I really fared super uper badly for paper 1. I was seriously depending on my oral and listening compre to pull my marks up. YAYYYY! Though I didn't get A but still! Getting a B3 is like more than enough! I just hope when the marks are double checked by another teacher, it wouldn't be super bad! Oh man, yayy! =D

Olevel in NINE days =/

"And the two sers-tres-mis tert-quar is.." HAHAHA.

2007-05-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

Jubilate was fun! Hahaha though that morning was really bad because all my things started getting missing! It feels weird to know that there is my last performance ever with xuan qing. I don't want to leave stringgggs! =( Ahhh anyway, the trip on the way back to school was super funny! The bassists (including anqing) were playing games and talking about many random stuff. Hahaha and when we were back in the mep room, I realised that one of the flowers that were given to me before we left for UCC started decomposing and there were worms all over the petals. Aiya, I'm too lazy to type what happened. It was just super funny la.

I went to Nicole's house yesterday. Oh yaaaaa, can you believe she actually gave me a bouquet of flowers? Hahaha I'm still quite high over it. Errr ya, anyway, ya, I went to her house. So.. ya. Huh? Oh my, what I wanted to type? So we played games after games. From Game Of Life to Monopoly to _______ (I can't remember what's the game called. It's this game where you must put all the stones back to your "home". Ate a lot at her house. Oh yess, her mum read my palm. She said basically I would have good health all the way to the end where I will suffer some kind of a illness and die. And she said something big would happen when I'm around 40-50. Either I survive it or everything's over. Hahaha maybe it's when I'll get that big illness. She said my worklife is quite good and I'll stay in a particular job/office for a very long time. But she's not sure whether that will be my first job/office or not. Oh and my love life is quite good (?!) because I'll have a lot of boyfriends. (That is good meh?)

On the way back home, we were talking about going abroad to study. And I remembered that the initial motivation that motivated me to study last year was actually the fact that I wanted to leave this place. The place where everbody around me call home. And I guess at some point last year, It really worked because I was literally spending every day argueing with my family. Ya..

I was very upset and angry yesterday night. But something strange happen again and I know that God made it happen, so all those feelings left me. It's hard to explain and only when you are experiencing it can you say you understand. I finally realised that if I can't find it at any aspect of my life, it doesn't mean that it's because they have not appeared yet, but mean that it's because I'm not ready yet. If the same thing happens again and again, it's because I keep giving the same reaction to every occurance.

Its very amusing looking at my mum marking her papers.

I can only adore others but not love them.

2007-05-10T19:45:00.000+08:00

Today's so freaky! :/

It's really really really verrrrrrrry freaky! And there were.. one.. two.. three.. FOUR incidents! :/ The first time was when I was in the mep room. Ohmy, that was the worst man! I was like practising during recess when I saw someone walk into the room. And the most freaky thing happened ---- I just started laughing/crying. It's so scary because I don't even know why. And after crying (I was laughing at first but the next thing I knew, I was crying), my hands started to shake really badly. Then my legs started shivering. Err.. ya. I don't want to talk about that incident anymoree, for now at least. I'm still very extremly freaked out.

The second and third incident wasn't so bad. I just became super dramatic. Like at the staircase, I started become crazy and I kept sitting on the floor and nicole had to like drag me. But I stopped, somehow, when we heard the rest coming out. When I was like near my classroom, I started becoming dramatic again. I was just walking like usual when I just did that dramatic wall action. And there was this girl who was in front of me and when I did that, she so happened looked at my direction. Since then, she kept turning back and giving me that ohmy-what-happen?-are-you-okay look. =/

The fourth wasn't so bad. Just, coincidental. (At least, I hope it is)

Yesterday was super funnnnnay! On our way back home yesterday, because of something, I started "falling" to the floor. And I bet those track girls thought Nicole pushed me down or something because of our positions!

Jubilate tomorrow! It's :( and :/ at the same time.

I want to become that line.

2007-05-06T20:01:00.000+08:00

Mummy, Happy Birthdayyyy! =D

We had our dinner outside yesterday! Super full because my father ordered the 10-people set meal? And I'm like scared of veggies now because there were so many both in variety and quantity!

Went to J8 just now. Justin and I decided to shop a little long while they went back first. You know, all along I wanted to buy Hai Tun Wan Lian Ren, but I just never got down to buying it. Now when I finally want to get it, no more already! =(( It's either out of stock or only left that metal dvd set. I don't like the packaging. Sure it's cheap, but still! It's only 25 dollars lehhh! I wannnnnnt! =(

I feel like I'm back to the one I was in the beginning of secondary three. Why must things end up in this way?

There's oral tomorrow! =/ I need to get at least 50 marks for me to pass chinese prelims.

Impossible.

2007-05-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

T-I-R-E-D! Been busy the whole day till like now? Came here righhhhht after tution! Can you imagine how tiring it is! There was NAPFA five items today annnnnd the two Mr Goh's lessons!

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fare rather badly for prelims. Yesterday, Chen Lao Shi said "Xiu ting, you are a waste lorh." Quoted. Aei, if I actually cried for 1/6 of NAPFA, guess did I cry for prelims? Hahaha no la, I didn't. I guess it's not that bad. I mean, he said I was a waste because I had about 68% even though I didn't do the last four questions (16 marks). For paper two, that is. Which is..quite good, right? =( I don't know. I think it's quite serious (I'm contridicting) cause I don't think I've ever completed a paper ever since Secondary One? My paper one is gonna bring me down by a lot, a lot =/

Napfa was quite weird. I broke a lot of my own records. I've never got an A for inclined pull ups before (I usually get like C if I'm lucky). Though I ____________, but still! Shuttle run also! I can't believe I got an A. Like really! But my stamina deteriorated quite a bit! =(( It's like ever since that day, my body have been like really weak!

I accidentally fell asleep yesterday while waiting for SOMEONE to reply my message. And I slept for ten and a half hours! But I had a really weird and bad (?) dream. It was about spiders! =(

Aii, got to go mugmug now! There's cca tomorrow -- yipee yo yayyy!

It is something they call the sky.

2007-05-01T16:55:00.000+08:00

The simple things we take for granted in life, are the only things which matter in the end.

Sports day didn't turn out as bad as I've expected. Red house won!! First time in sixteen years (if i didn't remember wrongly) =D Yayy-ayeee

Saturday's barbeque was greaaaat too! Went to Jana's house after that! I realised that when I'm tired, I should really refrain from talking? I seriously talk about things I shouldn't be talking about when I'm tired. Jiu hou tu zhen yan? You don't need to make me drunk man, just make me tired and it would have the same effect.

Chinese prelims were horrid. I would laugh if I could pass. I think I said the same thing last year during eoys. And guess what? I failed. Uhh yaaaaaa. But yesterday was a really beautiful day, minus the prelims. Stayed back till about six with Miss Quek! I only realise that it was my last time doing the attendance thingy like half way through it? So as I wasn't like mentally prepared, I asked whether I could do May's one. After laughing at my reaction (cough cough), she said okay! But must train the next secretary!! Hahahaha, "You want me to get kopi-o or kopi-c ah? I forgot."

I don't want Jubilate to come =(

I slept at 7am this morning. I do stupid things when I'm angry with myself.

There's tuition later =/ There's English lessons tomorrow =(( Art tomorrow =// Lao Da's coming tomorrow =))

2007-04-29T16:29:00.000+08:00

Hello, let me go.

If this is some twisted game of yours, I don't want to play with you anymore. Stop being so fickle minded. You're not only falling into that bottomless pit but pulling the rest who cares for you with you. Stop it.

-

Yesterday's barbeque was fun =D For the first time, there wsn't enough food! Hahaha went to Jana's house after that. I was so tired, I fell asleep within five seconds. Haha and woke up 13 hours later =)

Sports Day didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would. Red house won! =)) I think it's the first time in 10 years (ever since I am in sngs) that Red house won. I think. I can't remember. Or at least, I don't remember Red house winning before. Yay-ayy!

And for some weird reason, I kept thinking about "jiu ge nv ren yi ge gui" and "wo lao po wei man shi ba sui" during Sports Day. So I slept and woke up at three am to watch "My wife is 18". I still can't find "Nine girls and a ghost". It's either the link no longer exists or the player just doesn't work. Is that show THAT old? It's only five years agoooo! So anyway, I went to bed at six. Woke up at 10 for tuition.

There's Chinese Prelims tomorrow =/ I still don't remember saying I want to get an A1 for chinese to anyone before (I think sarah's gonna get irriated with me again). Okay, I told that to one person. But anyway, ya, I want to get an A1 for my chinese. I don't think it's possible because because. I'm scaredddddd! =(

2007-04-25T20:09:00.000+08:00

Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

I felt so gross after PE today. No, not because of that luhhhh! There's this sick feeling in my stomach/small intestine/large intestine/somewhere else, ever since then! =( But it was ren-able until like during art! =((

Art was.. HAHAHAHA. There was a thunder storm when art was about to end. It's really funny when you see how people start screaming and "jerking" when the lightning striked, when thunders could be heard, when a black-out happened or when when the alarms started ringing! Haha! Whenever there's a lightning, I'll try not to react because I remember when I was younger, my father will keep saying, "you zuo gui xin she is it!", whenever I'm afraid of lightning. So to avoid him asking me many questions, I don't really react that greatly anymore. It was so fun just now. So many places were flooding! Even the primary one classroom! I could see the umm rain flooding and entering the classroom! And and water rushing out of the drain! It's like adding mentos to coke!

We had A and E maths today. Gross. I mean, how fantastic can it be when there's maths at the beginning of the day (uh PE is not really counted) and maths at the end of the day?

This week is so.. _ _ _ _ _. Hahaha there's so many of that word in my post today, I realised. There's nothing to look forward to like seriously! There's make up SPA tomorrow AND maths tuition! And it's like Sports Day on friday? And and I must finish two essays by today? When I need like ten times much longer time than average because my english is like _____? And and and chinese prelim is on monday?!?!

Oh wait! There's something to look foward to this week! The barbeque partyyyy!

Yesterday, Kuroi was a Petitchi. According to the website, he is "a nervous Tamagotchi who is overly pessimistic and always thinks that others are watching him". Today, he is a Gourmetchi! He supposedly "has one of the most defined pallets in Tamagotchi Town. With his keen eye for gourmet food, he knows all the best restaurants in town." Heh, guess what job I want him to be? Of course, FD! =D

Or there is that written in his eyes
Which none should look upon

2007-04-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

I felt so restless today. I didn't feel like listening. It's like wanting to get off the seat and do something yet feel like doing nothing. Okayyyy, I don't make much sense.

CCA practice was funnay. We played this really cute (this is not the right word) song. HAHAHA I realised, it si because of this kind of song that I actually wanted to join String Orchestra. As in, being the music-stupid person that I am, I didn't know that you can actually "pluck" the strings of a string instrument in secondary one. So uh, I got fasinated when I saw the violist doing that. But anyway, ya, this was the "fun-nest" song we've ever played so far!

Eh you know, I accidentally fell asleep just now. And it's bad because I was eating M&N chocolates before I slept but I can't remember what I did to it after I fell asleep. As in, I was eating it on my bed and I rememeber doing something to it but I can't remember what. Now I can't find it! =(

"That's the problem with St Nick's students ---- they never listen to instructions. But ___ is worst. They argue about it. What's so diffiicult? Just do as you're told don't do something else."
"You should move your thumb nearer! Then it wouldn't hurt. It's as it goes!"
" But you told me to listen to your instructions and nothing else!"
"YAA but don't tell me when I say walk out the door, you're gonna bang yourself at the door meh? Of course open the door and walk out right!!"

Mr Goh's lessons are always very funny.

Hahahaha I never knew how screaming can be music. Still got timing one!

2007-04-23T23:54:00.000+08:00

Rushy rushy, I'm gonna rush through this post. No timeeeeee =(

Okay, my sleeping time was weird because I accidentally fell asleep (really tired, you see). Woke up at 4am. Decided to off the computer (the one in my room) and do some stuff before I slept back. Slept at 530. Woke up at 630. Went down to sleep. Got awaken at 8 by this phone call (heh, thank youuuuu!). Went there late (this is so not usual. if you realise, I only sometimes late. Okay, I'm just late at the wrong occasions. Umm ya. Went to Zoo. Funnay. Got reminded of the last time I went to the zoo!! =D I'm still sad the photos are gone. I spent a lot eating today. After thinking about whether things are black, white or grey, we ended up somewhere between white and gray. It felt odd. Walked around Cine. Went to Heeren. Walked. Ate. Walked. My legs hurt. Bought the Tamagotchi! Heh, finally. A Big Thank You to all those who contributed to my tamagotchi fund last yearrrr! Heh heh heh. Bought a diary. And a pen. I decided to go get one. It isn't very nice looking but it's good enough. Decided to get one because I always end up saying something I shouldn't be talking about or things that I decided not to tell. And it's quite uh stupid (I realised, the hard way. Plus today's example of this girl who dont-know-what her blog about SYF) to write it in your blog. Since it's "a place where it's open the everybody so it's your problem if you want to let others know about confidential stuff". Blah blah blah.

I realised I like don't know a lot of things like that. Is it because I don't come online as often as last time? =/ Buttttt, although tomorrow is a lonnnng day, I shall come online tomorrow! Heh to bao ming my tamagotchi to preschool! Uhhhhh I think, I don't know. It's finally sleeping!

This week is gonna be a tiring week. There's napfa? I don't know how am I gonna survive it because my stamina have been going from bad to worst. Sports day on friday. Come to think of it, I hardly know the cheer. I realised I've been missing quite a bit of the house meetings because of some stuff. The only part of the cheer I remember is the team rocket part and the Z Z Z part. Okay, I think the front part before I can remember.

I hate the feeling when I'm doing something and this person is looking at me. Even if I'm like typing a document in Microsoft words, I hate it.

So much for rushing through you know!

I think I'm gonna sleep and wake up earlier to do my stuff. Yaaaaaaa, good night! My legs hurts.

2007-04-19T04:44:00.000+08:00

Instead of worrying over things I cannot change, I might as well do something about things that I can right! Yessssss. I shouldn't keep thinking about all those people who do weird things just to upset me. I should be thinking of the things that people who cares for me are doing! Shoo, I am so not going to get bothered by those little flies!!

SYF's tomorrow! It sounds really wrong to come from me but Jiayou! (cont..)

I dont think anybody would be reading this but..
CME PROJECT IS DUE TOMORROW! REMEMBER TO BRING THE SLIDESSSSS!

2007-04-18T14:36:00.000+08:00

I realised, I post even lesser now. Maybe that's why.

I did my braces on monday. It hurt so badly I wanted to hit my head against the wall. I'm not saying it in a joking manner. There's this sick throbing pain in the head. And for the first time, I actually ate painkillers. Now, you know how painful it was/is for me. For 15 plues years for my life, I refused to eat painkillers but I actually ate it on monday. And I actually couldn't wait to eat it. And and I also managed to eat it without breaking it apart/dissolving it and choking on it. Okay, but I chocked on my medicine yesterday and ever since then, I refused to eat it. My mum says it's my psychology thats making me choke on my medicine. Maybe it's true. I don't know. Everything that I find it's wrong with me, my mum says it's psychological.

I kind of chanced upon something today. It's kind of like a wake up call. I have that choice.

2007-04-14T12:03:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been.. busy. Yes, busy. And tiring. So I didn't have the time nor the energy to come online (on-ing the computer and using the internet is counted as online too). Mhm hmm. I'm amazed at how I don't "have to read blogs or I can't go to sleep" anymore.

I think what I'm feeling now is getting from bad to worst as each day passes by. It's getting harder and harder to "breathe". I don't really want to do or say anything about it because it doesn't help. And in fact, it just gets worst. Everytime when "I" try to convince myself that I should go tell someone about it and do something before it gets worst, this will always occur in my mind: What do I expect others to do?

It's quite true, isn't it? What do I expect others to do? Do I want someone to tell me, "It will be fine", "It's okay", or even "It's part and parcel of life". What? Everytime when I finally do tell someone about it, I feel as if I'm dragging them down. Which is quite true. Everytime, I tell myself that because I love them, I shouldn't pull them down with my troubles. But without fail, I do it times and again. I want to stop this whole sick thing. It feels like as each day passes, the more I'm not myself. Again, I wanted to post this yesterday but I was too tired. And when I read my horoscope in TST newspaper, I didn't want to write about it anymore. That has been my response to "coincidentally" the past few days. When something "coincidentally" happened at both me and someone else, I would stop it and that "coincidence" wouldn't happened. It's no one in particular. Whether it's about what I wanted to say or do, what I felt or anything else, I just want to stop them. What is it trying to tell me? What is it trying to prove? It's scary. Why is my life just so coincidentally?

I finally found out why Friday holds no meaning for me anymore. This weekend's gonna be a long, busy and messed up weekend. Next week too.

2007-04-10T21:31:00.000+08:00

For once, I saw something different.

2007-04-07T18:29:00.000+08:00

It was so much easier to stay away from msn these days. I'm in this i-dont-want-to-go-online mood. Now when I look back, I wonder why I was even once crazy over it. Staying away from my blog or reading peoples' blog is much easier now. Staying away from the computer too. But it's still a bit difficult. I remember I used to switch on the left computer and come online the moment I came back from school. And "research" about some random topics. But ever since the left computer spoilt, I stopped. Using the left computer is still unbearable. Especially without the sound card. Though I don't exactly hear music, but I still need some sound! I can't even remember the sound msn makes when someone talks to me! =/ Talking about the left computer, it's gone. I haven't even take out my stuff from there! There goes all the "layouts", pictures and files, you know? Just like that, just like that.

Mhm hmmm. I spent yesterday "researching" on the different kind of schools and stuff. There are five polytechnics and twenty-two junior colleges. Woah. I didn't know that. As in, seriously. I can't imagine me working in a particular job. It's like quite impossible. And I also remember that Tokyo University is the 7th best university in the world. I still don't know what I want. Haha I think the reasons I gave for not wanting to go Australia is weird. Okay, very weird.

I want to look at the contract. I want to remind myself that this isn't a decision I have to make but a choice that I already made. Everything that I have now, even the opportunity to sit and listen in Biology lesson isn't something that I deserved but a chance given to me. So, I must work hard! I want to be able to choose which school I want to go to and not let some paper with a few digits and alphabets rule my decision! Uh huh, uh huh!

2007-04-05T23:51:00.000+08:00

HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY, NICOLEEEE! =D

Heh. Today was a major rushy flushy mushy day! It was like rushing from one end to another all the time?! It felt as if the whole world changed even though I didn't come for just one day. But the day was good. I mean, of course! What special occasion was it?! Hahahahaha!

Yaaaaaa. So, we (cass, amanda, wen man, jo hsi and I) went for dinner together today. But before that, they, together with suxian, was acting really crazy in the mep room? It was really funny though! And dinner was funny too! HAHA one thing learnt? NEVER, like never, offend wen man! HAHAHAHA, i think rachel really got a fright! Oh ya, and another thing learnt. Don't wish anyone good luck for their test. People give me weird reactions la. Like really really weird. Ya, anyway, and by the time I came back, it was already 1015!

14 more days. I think the feeling is really bad. I don't think I'm as "!!!" as the rest but I'm more like.. I don't know. I think it feels especially horrible now. I can't even play many parts now. People get better as SYF comes nearer. I get worst. I can't even play in tune now. It feels gross. I've been blaming on the new strings. And then to the g string. But I know, it's not. It's really bad when I have to play the same passage so many times when I used to play it right within five times. It feels so bad I just want to throw my instrument on the floor and never do anything that will show how lousy my hands are.

2007-04-02T02:17:00.000+08:00

I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. I bet the first thing I'll say to myself in the morning would be, "I am so going to sleep early tonight."

Heh. Da xiao jie and Da shao ye came today! Hahaha it was fun (though I lost the pool game)!

And and and, 11:11 is officially my lucky time! HAHAHA righhhhht. No la, it's just a coincidental :) YAYYYYY, I found a God parent! Yip yip yipeeyo!

These are the rules: Each player of this game starts out by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. After you do that, leave them each a comment letting them know you tagged them and to read your blog!

6 weird things about me:
01. I am scared of rough surfaces because I have a tendancy to scratch them. (I realised, this is why I can't go near walls/blackboards)
02. I used to think that time travels the other way round. Like.. people start with white hair which will turn black when they're old.
03. I used to like things that people don't like and hate them when people start liking them.
04. I do and say weird things when I'm not in the "right" mood.
05. I like to stare into emptiness.
06. I used to eat things in a rather different way. Uh, sort of. When I was younger, my brothers always say, "Looking at the way you eat, I have no appetite already."

6 people to do this:
No one! Hahaha! =D

Do unto me not what I want, but what you want for me.

2007-04-01T01:37:00.000+08:00

Haha this feels kind of weird. As in, usually, I'll be asleep by now. Aiya, I bet you're thinking, "Huh? Really meh. Usually you sleep like early in the morning one what!". I don't know since when but I start to sleep like really early. Like at 10 if time permits? Hahaha hmm, why ah! All I remember is after something happen. But I can't remember what! So horh, must erase the belief that I sleep super late. Don't you shi mei shi call me at night. Hahaha kidding la. If you want to chat, I can sui shi feng pei! But horh, if you want to tell me you forgot to ask me to do something (and if it's not like SUPER urgent) then tell me the next day =D

I feel like I'm talking to myself =/ Not that I don't usually..

Today, lao shi said that everybody have different ways of dealing with stress. I mean, they do a particular thing whenever they're stress. And she said that it's very important because if she didn't, she would have gone crazy when she was a little girl. Haha and come to think of it, I tend to watch dramas and read comics whenever I feel very..choked? As in, like, if I have a comic beside me, and you just like vent at me, I'll start reading the comic? Uh..something like that. But, I think it's more like I don't want to think about anything at that moment. People tend to do weird things when they're not in the right mood huh? I'm a serious case.

Today, I found out that yesterday, someone went to report that my bank book was lost. When I heard it, it was like "huh?". I'm (still) a nobody. (haha talk about positive thoughts) Who wants to have a "nobody" 's bank book? I'm still lost at who tried to log in into my blogger account and youtube account. I mean, what's the whole point? I mean, there's like nothing valuable. It maybe priceless to me but to people other than me, it's worthless. As in, to me, my memories are everything but to others, it's nothing, isn't it? Okay nevermind, maybe it was just a coincidental.

Four minutes to 2am.

2007-03-31T21:28:00.000+08:00

So today wasn't a painful day. It's on another day. Thank God. When that day comes, I'll be a goner. =/ MEHHH

Actually, come to think of it, I don't really have the right to wish for anything in this family. I mean, how can I expect my parents to do certain things when I don't even want to put in effort. They don't have to do things for me, do they? After so long, I think I only brought back food home once. Like I bought it on my own and gave them. Or maybe twice, I don't really remember. I almost ask my mum why she wanted me to get confirmed. It was at the tip of my tongue. But I know it's something I shouldn't ask. Maybe, when I really can't hold it back anymore, I would. It feels really weird to be a catholic in my family. It feels how they say how catholics would feel when they're in the outside world and they feel like the minority. Uh, I can't explain it. I thought after the PTM, my mum would understand what it means to get confirmed. I think it's really hard when I'm already struggling. But who cares right? My mum scolded me today for not thinking before saying anything. I realised all along I was really doing that. I said many things without thinking of the consequences.

I realised, my parents have never gone for any performance I participated in. Uh, except the primary six graduation one, I guess. But they went there late. No, that's not the point. They have never heard me play the viola before. When I say things like "wa lao wei", my mum will start nagging at me. But when my brothers say the f word, she said she never even say anything. When I asked why she didn't scold them, she said she didn't hear. It's really funny because whenever I mutter, she'll always manage to hear. It's kind of funny how she pretends to not know the meaning of the words just because it was my brothers who said them. It's funny, really. Hahaha, it's more funny when I'm still expecting something. Or maybe not. I think it's funny because I don't really expect anything anymore.

They're coming tomorrow! =D

Take control.

2007-03-30T21:57:00.000+08:00

I came back at 947. Woah. Hahaha. Mhm, I can officially say I finally survived the week. Rather badly though. The four tests this week can be considered the worst unprepared papers in this year so far. Biology-- unless my common sense can pass me. Chinese -- unless my zong he tian kong can make it. Social studies -- unless my less that a quarter page of answer can give me full marks for the first and 1/2 a mark for the second question with only two sentences, I'll pass on the dot. Mathematics-- unless I can get 1/4 right for each question. Died. =/

Da xiao jie, da shao ye, fan ting and wen man joined us for dinner today. We talked about many stuff. Hahaha quite funny at certain parts. We took pictures. AND I LOOK FREAKING WEIRD. Not that I don't usually but uh it's like.. so.. act cute?!?! =/ Da xiao jie says she's so gonna keep that picture so she can laugh at it everytime she sees it =( evil or whuuuud! And horh, got a few pictures is me only. Tsk, who go tou pai me ah! Hahahaha but I think it got deleted already since there wasn't enough space.

Tomorrow's gonna be a very painful day. I hope I won't cry. So embarassing! (which reminds me, I bleed like super easily? Hahaha just that little poke and my finger bled. Even Gen said that was so qua zhang!) ANDDDDDD, I lost the "battle" so da xiao jie and da shao ye are coming to my house on Sunday. =/ CANT WE HAVE A REMATCHHHHHHHHH!

I thought of my confirmation name already. I really want that K one (not that I don't know how to spell that name but I just don't want to mention it here). But, it's not a saint's name! =(( I shall go search somemore. Sometime.

OH YAAAA. You know, yesterday, we had red house props session. And we were painting. And and and, I thought of a idea for Art!! HAHAHAHA. okay..but.. I don't know how to potray it out! Aiya..but it's not psychological. Uhhhhh, okay, a bit.

This feels so cliche. I feel like the reason why I want to go overseas and study is because I don't want to remember anything from here. No la..actually, it's not exactly that. uh..

I feel very horrible. I don't even need to talk about the past, just take from the start of Secondary three to now. How many people have I upset? I feel really angry and dissapointed with myself. It really hurts to realise that I actually made people who I really care about cry. It hurts to be the very person who made them upset when the person who really wanted to bring a smile to their faces was myself.

Can you share with me what you're feeling? The reason why I didn't say anything isn't because I have nothing to say but I don't know how to go about saying it. I'm bad with words. I make things even worst especially when it comes to this kind of things. And I feel a little apprehensive about talking it out because for the past few years, every effort of actually trying to talk things out backfired. At this point of my life, every single aspect of my life is in a mess. Be it in school, Art, cca and even church. It feels really terrible. The last thing that I need now is to lost you. You're the only person who's keeping me sane from everything else. You're the only reason why I actually want to do so many things. You're the reason why I stop doing silly things. Don't tell them to the toilet bowl, say them to me, would you?

I'm a terrible friend.

2007-03-28T20:52:00.000+08:00

Let no word escape your lips in vain or be uttered without depth of meaning.

It's wednesday. This week have been.. mushy. It's as if so many things are being crammed into this seven days. In a way, I'm sort of dreading Friday. (kind of weird huh since Friday is/was my favourite day of the week) Although seriously, nothing much is going to happen on that day. Just the usual I guess. Or rather, I hope nothing unusual happens. Sort of. I'm still thinking whether I should go for Charismatic prayer session on Friday.I don't know.. I'm scared. Not just because of that, but many others too.

I wonder why my parents wants me to become a Catholic.

2007-03-25T15:09:00.000+08:00

This week have been eventful. To the extent that many of my fears actually happened. Everything feels weird to me now. That's why I may have said or done hurtful things to you all. And I'm really, really sorry. I know this may sound like an excuse to you guys but everything that has happened is really affecting my a lot. I think this is the first time something so "big" has happened.

I'm in a very wrong mood. There's many questions and doubts in me. And I don't know how I should go about solving them. This is why I had this "blackened" look on my face the past week. To tell you the truth, I'm still very affected by what happened in Church Camp. And it's worst than ever now because all my hidden fears are actually happening. Many of you all think I'm acting emo or whatever, but I don't want to pretend anymore. Not now, at least. As in, usually, even if there's something affecting me, I'll just pretend like it's okay and most of the time I really manage to "hide" it away. But this time round, it's for real. The time where everything have to be solved, is here. And I would like to know answers to all my questions. So at the mean time, I may be very.. pms-sy so please bear with me.

I feel like for a very, very, long time, someone or even me, myself, locked me in this pitch black room. Where the silence was so great, it was like pressing against my ears. In the beginning, of course, I was screaming my lungs out to get out of it. I banged the door and even made sounds every single second. One day, after uncountable days, I heard the click sound. For the past years, I thought all I ever wanted was to get out of that place. So when I heard that sound, I went out immediately. But, everything felt so different. Everything that I once knew or believed in have changed. I backed away and went back into that room. In that room, everything was still the same except for one thing. And that was I was free to leave anytime I want. Do you know how it feels like when something that you always thought was all you ever wanted happened and you find out that you were so wrong? That years of longing for that one thing turn out to be something you don't really want because you weren't happy? Do you know how that feels like?

I want to get out of that room. But there are somethings I have to make sure and questions that I have to know the answers before I really do. To get out of it once and for all, I have to. So I will and must work hard to find out the answers. Before that happens, I hope you will bear with me. Thank you..

2007-03-20T21:33:00.000+08:00

Is this peace or just plain nothing? It hurts me how I'm unable to feel anything. Not that I actually feel the hurt, but it's there and I know it. It scares me how I don't feel the fear anymore. Everything's weird and strange to me. Like I'm starting right from the beginning and I have no idea how it feels like to feel something.

Ever since I came back from camp, I needed more sleep than ever. Usually, I could sleep for three hours and I wouldn't feel tired. Now, even sleeping for eight hours doesn't help. I'm saying this cause it's like 9:43 so it's almost reaching bed time.

I went to macs for dinner today. (okay, not surprising) CAN TING and XIAO TING came to join me today =D hahaha thats surprising huh! They walked all the way back just to have ice-cream? Anywayyyy, we talked and talked till quite late. By the time I reached home, it was nine. My God-parents are in the house now. It feels weird.. I think the last time I saw them was two years ago.

There's Adam Khoo workshop the day after tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it but now I think it's not at the right time. I mean, for me. I'm like in this really weird state and I think my mind's gonna really be in a mess if I go for the workshop now. Giraffe says it conflicts with what we have learnt in camp =/ And I think it's surely going to make me feel even more messed up than ever, since you know, I'm already quite shaky now.

I heard from qing that I should prepare tissue paper for the workshop cause "sure will cry one". It sounds wrong but I actually hope I do cry. ( I bet Nicole would be thinking, "if you don't, it's surprising") I can't explain why and it sounds really stupid, but I can't feel anything since after I fell on saturday night. There were so many times I wanted so badly to feel something, but I couldn't.

HAHAHA. Yesterday, Nicole said, "You look like a guy, act like a guy. But inside, you're so girl, I can't stand it!". TSK, so mean right! It's not my fault if my threshold of pain is really easy and I cry easily righhhhht! It's umm my genetics! HEh

Some people said I've changed like ever since I came back from march holidays. Really? It's only the second day..

And last but not least, I did not change my hairstlye to follow cherry okayyyy!

I'm tired. Good night!

2007-03-18T20:06:00.000+08:00

On my way back home, all i could think of was "Would I faint of dehydration?" and "Would I get a heat stroke"? When St. Nicholas View came into sight, I didn't know whether I was looking forward to go home or not. I feel as if it's a comma instead of a full stop.

There's school tomorrow. Haven't done many things yet. I think I'm going to the school dentist tomorrow. I hope she'll finally see me. It hurts a lot. It's either a huge ulcer on my gum or my gum tore and can see my wisdom tooth. Uh, sort of.

Xiao Xun, my lavender plant, died. It didn't even grow and it died. =( I don't know whether it's because of the weather in Singapore or because I didn't figure out the intsructions properly since it was like in Japanese. But the soil was super cool. It was like a small compact thin square but when I poured water, POOF, there was a pot of soil! Awwww, xiao xun, why must you die! =(

2007-03-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

A reason.

I went for the X-ray today. It felt super weird! I don't like going for these kind of tests and stuff. It makes me feel like I'm some kind of mutant and they want to do experiments on me. I think it's psychological, but, it hurts. =(

I'm worriedddd/scaredddd! =( I just have this huge sick feeling in my stomach, brain, and heart. It feels really gross and horrible. I keep feeling like something bad's gonna happen tomorrow but I don't know what. Even debbie's feeling this way. =// How how how!

Today, the yellow badges gave us an envelope filled with notes from every single one of them. Thank you for taking the time to write them! I really really like them! =D

2007-03-14T22:56:00.000+08:00

rush, ruSH, RUSH

白色情人節 (ホワイトデー) 快樂!

So, today, IT HURT A LOT. (It sounds so darn wrong) But really really, I almost vomited. I could feel the thing poking the top part of my throat and this sick feeling travelling up and down my uh oesophagus. =( My jaws still hurt. I hate it when my treshold of my pain is so lousy. It's like lower than the average! =((

My mum bought me to buy something today. It felt sooooooooooooo weird, okay! Like ?!???? Kind of. And she brought me to CafeSwiss for dinner. (how surprising is that!) We talked about some stuff. Oh, earlier in the day, when Nicole told me she decided not to go to SP but some other poly, I asked my mum somr questions. And she sort of knew I wanted to do Psychology intead. ( Compared to Fashion Designing, she showed much more support!) So during dinner, she said that I could go overseas and study Psychology right after O's. I think it's shocking because the other time, when I asked whether I could go overseas and study, she said if I really wanted, she could consider. But it's different this time round. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Not now, at least. I don't even know how things would be like, say three months later. Would I still be here?

I'm supposed to be sleeping by like 10 and I'm still here. =( Have to be up and leave the house early tomorrow. I hope I can get back in time for mr goh's lesson/cca. I hope! Many things to be done before I go for camp. I don't think I can finish them.

My jaw/throat still hurt.

2007-03-13T21:54:00.000+08:00

I don't really like calling people I don't really know. I mean, you know, those kind whom I don't talk to often. Maybe just a hi/hello when we walk past each other. I think it's scary. It makes me feel like I owe them a living. One out of ten makes me feel that way. (It's enough to change they way I'm feeling after I talked to that one person) It makes me feel like they have the right to talk rudely/slam down the phone, when I'm not even in the wrong. =/ Never mind, only one person did it to me this time round. So it's not that bad..ya..

Somehow, Hope makes me feel like sleeping. (it sounds..wrong) The other one makes me tired but not sleepy. Hope doesn't make me feel tired but sleepy. Hmm..

Whenever I start crying, Nicole's words will keep flashing into my mind. It was so weird and embarrassing today. I'm seeing Nicole tomorrow! Hip hop hurrayyyy!

Church camp in three days. After so long of not going, I'm rather sacred. Afterall, this is the last and I kind of forgot how it feels like. I hope I don't crash. All I remember is crashing at the first two camps. Okay, I hope even if I crash, I crash after the camp. Not during the camp. I hope I get to experience something. Or something that will wake me up. I don't know.. I remember the first time I ever felt the presense of God was during the CC2 camp. And ever since then, many things just keep happening. I think I'm really lucky. It's hard to find something and then cling onto that believe. Umm..do you get what I'm saying?

My viola strap is missing. "Viola", reminds me of something I'm supposed to get it done within this week. AHH, many things to be done by this week. THIS IS BADDDDDDDDDD

2007-03-12T23:19:00.000+08:00

If possession/ownership over something doesn't exist, wouldn't our lives be much easier? The fact that freedom rights exist because we dont have them in the first place, isn't it? I wonder what are we all here for. Why are we slogging out guts out our whole life for? Because we want to lead a comfortable life? Why is the point of having wars? To gain control of that country? And then? Even if you can have everything in this world, and then? So the whole point of living is to know the feeling? We can do what we want? But in the end, ultimately, we can't, isn't it? Because we don't even own ourselves. You don't even have the right to take your own life because your body belongs to the government. What can we say belong to ourselves, when you, yourself, don't even belong to you.

I think evening is the most beautiful yet sadest time of the day.

2007-03-11T17:14:00.000+08:00

Insignificant.

It's quite funny actually. The moment I reached Ang Mo Kio and stepped out of the train, my phone rang. Ah, oh well.

I think when I see their smiles, everything seem worthwhile.

2007-03-10T13:03:00.000+08:00

I don't understand why my family just can't accept the fact that I cut my hair. I don't et it why they can't put a fullstop intead of commas everytime they see me. It's annoying. Maybe, it's just me. Because it's them, that's why I'm like this. But, putting ridiculous connections to my hair? This is not only about the whole crap about gangster/tattoo/andy/blahblah, it's more than that.

Okay. I'm not going to get irritated by them anymore. Anyway, it's not like I care.

Meeting prank tomorrow for lunch instead. At least, I won't be in Yishun in shorts today! Mhm hmm. I should go now, byeeeeeee

2007-03-09T21:41:00.000+08:00

I. am. annoyed. I don't get my father or what he's trying to do. I should really go become an Ah Lian, dye my hair and umm tattoo my arms/back like what he said. Isn't that wonderful? Then I can finally prove what he said right! Yeah man, and my ambition should be a gangster! Then I can be what my father believe I would be! Oh my gosh, isn't that like so darn perfect?

I'm tired. Good night, good bye.

2007-03-09T01:43:00.000+08:00

Boneless nose.

So, today wasn't that bad. Come to think of it, I've been very hungry these days. As in, I do eat but I keep forgetting that I ate already. And I'll start thinking about whether recess was over already or what I ate for recess/lunchh. I think I eat quite a lot. Hahaha but I shan't stop. Next time, want to eat also cannot liao.

The phone finally got through! It's next wednesday. I'm happy yet sad and quite scared. I'm sad because that means, I have something on like everyday of the holiday. =( I hope it wont be a bad week next week. I hope I get down to studying. I hope I end up doing my work. I hope I can at least do one board of research or I AM A DEAD COW. SOMEONE, SAVE ME. =(

2007-03-07T18:22:00.000+08:00

Another thirty-eight minutes to the time xuan wants it to fly to. I'm HUNGRY =( I have only eaten like two slices of bread and one waffle! =(( baddddddddddd. What made things worst was I started being out of sorts after recess? And what was like the BEST thing was Chinese test was RIGHHHHHT after recess. And YA! I'm so gonna flunk it. I seriously did it like any old how. It's easy to see whether I'm like putting in effort or not. If my handwritting is like small and neat (to me it is neat la), I am putting in effort. If my handwritting is thin/long/messy/not on the line, it's either I don't feel like doing it or there isn't enough time. You can pratically see this process in those kind of essay man. Uh huh. We got back our comprehension timed piece and our discussion eassy (not the timed piece) today. (Talking about timed piece, yesterday's discussion eassy was the first eassy I actually completed ever since uh primary six? And today's Chinese too. The first time I actually completed in a lonnnng time. But my handwriting was so not me that Nicole commented about it.) Anyway, the marks wasn't very good but I'm contented! A HUGE IMPROVEMENT man. My PPR too! I mean, it's still very lousy but if you actually compare it with last year's, it's like a MAJOR improvement! To me, at least. At least, out of like three or four F9 last year, I didn't even have one. My lowest score is E8. Hahaha, not bad laaaaa. I actually had an A! Hee. I passed my english too! (a WOAHHHH thing) mhm hmmmm

That paragragh was long huh? This's gonna be much shorter. It's such an irony for me to read "Vampire Night". Hahaha. Umm.. Mr Goh's lesson tomorrow (violaaaaa)! He's teaching me VIBRATO! Like finally! After like 4444 million years! Aei, today was the last PE elective lesson! =( No more soccer?

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

2007-03-05T23:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I don't even know why I do things on purpose. But I believe, to let you hear the things you heard, my other side had a reason. Perhaps what my other side did wasn't because that was what I wanted but was the easier way out. Maybe. What difference does it make anyway? After so long, I want neither outcomes.

A and B are very different. They are so different that can't be compared. I don't understand why humans like to compare them. They say, A is stronger while B is nothing compared to A. It's like comparing whether the sky or hell is bigger. Their reason is always because C exists. When C comes along, B gets neutralises. While A is undefeatable. Because even if D comes along, the probabilty of it getting neutralise is umm 50 50 (rubbish, by the way. the chances are like 10 90) By the way, C can't affect A at all. Um ya. So ya. But I realised that actually, B can stop A if you know how to. If you give the same amount of B as A, then both A and B wouldn't exist. But of course, if A is slightly more or less than B, then that's are different story. So, I'm just trying. I'm searching my right amount of B. I think, you must be very happy now. I'm actually resorting to B? Like, hahaha?

I was "drunk" today. It's hard to explain why I go to that state. We didn't have sectionals today so I got back home quite early. Around.. 430? For the first time, I managed to sleep about 3 hours? Usually it's only one hour plus, so yeahhh. There's a biology test tomorrow. Oh mannnn. Oh ya, talking about Biology, you know whatttt! Mrs Tan actually forgot my name?!?!?! It's super shocking la! As in, usually, like since last year, she always, "SAMANTHA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HUH!" Or, "THE GIRL BESIDE/IN FRONT/BEHIND/DIAGONALLY SAMANTHA! WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING?!" So ya!

2007-03-02T21:06:00.000+08:00

Today, Miss Praveena had this heart-to-heart talk during CME lessons today. Sort of. She told us how she felt and stuff. And we all just talked. It was funny at some parts though hahaha. I think maybe sometimes (okay, most of the time), having heart-heart talks doesn't work. Like..you know that weird funny feeling you get after everything's said? I mean, "everything". But..I think it doesn't work because it isn't a heart-to-heart talk to the other party but heart-to-wall. Do you get what I am at? But.. I guess somehow it's better than not saying anything at all. Well, but at least you know what's the person thinking right! You'll never know what someone's really thinking about unless they tell you. Even if you can guess it, there's still a probablity that you're wrong! (you learn probablity mannnnn!) Uh..so yeah.

I (we) realised that actually Nicole and I are very different individuals. I mean, usually your close friend is someone who are really alike. But we're really not alike. Both in terms of character and our likes and dislikes. There are many things that she hates but I love them. Like, love. While things that she really likes, I don't exactly like them. So, it's wierd and warm. I mean, really. It's hard to explain everything but I'm really glad I had a friend in Nicole. And everyone else whom I have known. Even those who were close to me but because of a misunderstanding, we stopped all connections (I have many, by the way. I'm just so..easy to misunderstand. hahaha, okay not funny). Or even those who they think I don't like them (I don't have any, I think. Not at the moment at least). Yes, I really love you guys a lot! Thank you for all those small little things you do for me =D

And.. I also would like to apologise to many people for hurting them. For all the times when something happens and I refused to tell what I was thinking, I'm sorry. Especially to all those friendships which ended because I refused to say anything. I remember in the past, when something happens and the best friend (then, I had) who was involved each time believed that I did something that I didn't do, I'll refuse to explain or say anything. I used to believe that even though no one believes that I didn't do it, as long as that particular person believed I didn't, I wouldn't mind. But after so many times of it happening again and again, I don't believe in anything anymore.

All these is ending soon.

Giraffe, I hope your grandmother would be okay!

Debbie, thanks for the ride home :D hahaha I don't think I can be online by 9 (it's 9.30 already). But if I can, I'll be online at 10. I dont even know why I'm writing this because I don't think you'll read this. heh.

Eh, so much for sleeping at 10 huh.

"Well, does it look like a cat to you?"